


Oklahoma Skies

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Dean Being a Jerk to Sam, Cas Deals With Emotional Fallout of Falling, Dean Has Trust Issues, Homophobia, Is It Self Harm If You Get Your Friend to Beat You Up?, It's Early Season 5 and Dean's Still Pissed, M/M, Not from Dean, Sam Deals With Lucifer, Season 5 AU, Sort of Self-Harm?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-17 23:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7290193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's left Dean to get a handle on his blood addiction before he tries to fight the Apocalypse, and to give Dean a chance to at least try to get over the trust issues.  Cas is Not Happy about this, but he's got his own problems: finding God, and dealing with the changes that come with turning one's back on Heaven.  Cas goes to Sam for help with the first one, and ends up getting help with the second.</p>
<p>Note: not really sure that the fights depicted here are particularly graphic, but violence is an inherent part of the story, so better to overtag than undertag.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Breakup

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Comfort](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2373098) by [Never_x_Better](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Never_x_Better/pseuds/Never_x_Better). 



> The original germ of the idea is from Never_x_better's wonderful "Comfort". In that story, Sam starts researching God's whereabouts on the Internet to thank Castiel for helping him deal with nightmares, and it got me wondering why Cas wouldn't ask Sam for help to begin with. It's a WIP but it's really good, so I highly recommend checking it out.
> 
> It got mixed up with a headcanon of Sam and Cas being sweet little nerds most of the time, but beating the crap out of each other as a form of therapy and it becoming a turn-on for them (just how many people are going to be able to throw *Sam* across a room - and then fix him up and hold him tight when it's over?).

When Castiel dropped in on the Winchesters, he noticed something wrong almost immediately. “Where’s Sam?”

Dean jumped a little. “Cas, dammit, stop doing that! Are you trying to kill me?”

“No, I’m trying to find Sam.” Castiel had thought that was obvious from his question.

“Don’t know, don’t much care,” Dean said. “Can’t trust him to have my back in a demon fight, and with the Apocalypse, there’s bound to be more than our fair share of those. He chose to take off, haven’t talked to him in a couple weeks.”

“I don’t suppose you know if he has his phone?” Castiel grumbled, suddenly cranky. The Winchesters splitting up was the worst possible idea he could think of. How was he supposed to guard them both if they were in separate states?

The infuriating man just shrugged. “Nope. Haven’t called, he hasn’t either.”

“I knew I should have modified your sigils,” Cas muttered to himself. He’d deemed it too risky to leave that back door for himself; archangels were notorious for exploiting loopholes. “Call me when you’ve stopped being foolish and have come up with some sort of plan that doesn’t involve throwing your brother into Lucifer’s waiting arms.” He took off without waiting for Dean’s reply, landing in a random spot far away. He drew his phone and called Sam.

“Who is this?” Sam asked.

“Sam, it’s Castiel. Where are you?”

The wariness in Sam’s voice almost physically hurt Cas. “Why do you ask?”

“Because I cannot find you because of your sigil,” Castiel said. “I would like to see you.”

“Okay, uh, I’m in Oklahoma, about six miles west of Lawton. There’s a mile marker…” The wariness was still there, but Sam read the marker.

When Castiel arrived, it was obvious that Sam had pulled over to wait for him. “Where are you headed?” Castiel asked.

“I don’t know yet, really,” Sam admitted as he got the car back on the road. “I’m thinking I may stay in Oklahoma, though, I don’t have any actual ties to the state so people who are looking for me wouldn’t have any reason to look here. Why do you ask?”

“Curiosity, mostly,” Cas said. “Ease of finding you, perhaps. Why are you doing this?”

Sam let out a long breath. “When we went up against War, he made us see people as demons. And I had trouble seeing the blood on the knife. I wanted it, bad. In a real demon fight, where the blood will be real, I don’t trust myself not to drink. Better for me to hole up, work at a bar or something similar for a while, until I’ve gotten some distance and some practice with coping mechanisms. But Dean needs to be doing what he can to fight back, and he doesn’t trust me after Ruby – not that I blame him. So we split up. I’m gonna keep an eye on the news, call Bobby when I see things that need handling, maybe take on some non-demonic hunts to keep in practice.”

Well, at least Sam’s reasoning made some sense to Castiel, although he was missing some crucial information. “Sam, you’re stronger than you think. Please don’t stay away too long. You’re too important, and too vulnerable on your own.”

“Dean’s important. Michael sword and all,” Sam said with a self-deprecating half-grin. “I’m just…”

“The equivalent for Lucifer,” Castiel said.

Sam went pale. “What do you mean? Lucifer has a vessel. I… I’ve seen him, in dreams.”

“He does,” Castiel agreed. “But not his true vessel. Nick is, at best, a temporary solution. He needs you to have a chance against Michael, since Michael won’t come to Earth unless he can get Dean. Lucifer will not stop hunting you.”

“Cas, I _can’t_ go back to Dean,” Sam said. “Not yet. If that’s why you’re here…”

He had been intending to try, but in the face of Sam’s distress, Castiel found he couldn’t. “No. I didn’t know you and Dean had split up until I started looking for you. I came to ask you for help.”

Sam smiled again, another of those self-deprecating half-grins. “I don’t know where God is.”

“No. But you are one of the best I’ve ever seen at this kind of research, tracking obscure leads and separating truth from fiction. I am fine with books, but it occurred to me that the Internet is more likely to have current information, and I lack proficiency with computers.”

“Huh. I hadn’t thought of it like that,” Sam said, looking a little surprised and a lot pleased. “Sure, I can do that. Do you still get prayers, or should I use the phone?”

“I still get prayers, but I am uncertain how safe it is for you to pray to me. Heaven has little interest in you, but Zachariah is hardly above monitoring your prayers to get to Dean.” Castiel caught Sam’s flinch and wished he had phrased things differently.

“Okay, phone it is, then,” was all Sam said, though.

“Thank you, Sam.” Castiel tilted his head as he took a good look at the younger Winchester. “What happened to you? You look terrible.”

Sam looked away. “Barfight. I’m fine, Cas, it’s just some bruises.”

“Some bruises, there’s a torn ligament in your wrist, and I can see several cuts that are only partly healed,” Castiel corrected. “I’ve seen you fight. This is not how you typically look after a drunken brawl.”

“No, but usually, Dean has my back,” Sam reminded Castiel, and there was yet another reason why this whole separation was a bad idea. “No one joined in on my side. I’ve had worse.”

“Let me see your wrist,” Castiel said, hand outstretched. “The cuts and bruises will heal on their own, but that ligament needs proper care.”

Castiel didn’t understand the brilliant smile that all-too-briefly crossed Sam’s face. “Thanks, Cas,” he said as he held out his wrist. “I know you need to conserve your grace, so…”

“This is well within my power, at least for now,” Castiel said, touched by Sam’s concern. “What was the fight about?”

“Hunter, hunting me,” Sam said. “Word’s already gotten around that I’m the idiot who started this mess and that Dean and I have split. He threw the first punch, and when they came to break it up, told them I’d seduced his little brother. Eastern Oklahoma is not a good place to get outed like that.”

“I don’t understand the problem,” Castiel said. “The hunter, yes, but why did the others start hitting you?”

“Because I’m not straight and I’m luring innocent people into my lifestyle of sin,” Sam said, bitterness twisting the sardonic tone. “It’s not the first time I’ve been hit for it, probably won’t be the last.”

Castiel stared at Sam in disbelief. “Did they bring my father’s name or that of Jesus into the fight?”

“This fight? Yeah, some of them told me about how God hates people like me and I’m gonna burn in hell for it. Way I see it, my sexuality is pretty far down the list of reasons I’m headed that way, though, so I’m not worried about it.”

“But…” Castiel tried to figure out where, among the many ways that Sam was wrong, he should start. He finally settled on, “Unless you go as Lucifer’s vessel, you are not going to Hell. Your place in Heaven is already reserved, yours and your brother’s. And God does not care who you love or have sexual relations with, so long as no vows are broken and there is mutual consent.”

“Oh. Good to know, I guess. I mean, like I said, there’s a thousand other reasons for me to go, but…” Castiel felt a twitch in his palms he didn’t quite understand. “Nice to know that outing myself to an angel isn’t gonna make you have an even worse opinion of me.”

“It would take something far more important than where you put your genitals to lower my opinion of you,” Castiel said.

“No kidding,” Sam said with a huff of laughter. “Can’t imagine what I could do that’s worse than what I’ve already done.”

“You could stop fighting, give in to Lucifer. You could stop reaching for your redemption. You could… wait.” Sam had never been as easy for Castiel to read as Dean was, but what he saw now came as something of a shock. “Sam, I do not hate you or think you unworthy of my attention. I do not currently hold Lucifer’s rise against you. You had all of Heaven and Hell pushing you along that road; it’s hardly your fault that you followed it. I will make my judgment of you based on what you do now that there are only two angels trying to guide your path.”

“Two?” Sam asked, and Castiel found himself unsurprised but somewhat irritated at the fact that Sam had latched on to that of all he had said. “Lucifer, obviously. Who’s the other one? Michael, trying to keep me away so he’ll have an easy win?”

“Me. I intend to guide you along a path back to Dean and toward redemption, away from Lucifer.” He would not lie to Sam to manipulate him. That had been done too often already.

Sam laughed. “Cas, that’s not manipulation, that’s the way I want to go anyway. You’re being supportive, and I appreciate it. I know you’re gonna be busy with your search for God and watching over Dean, so I’m grateful for whatever support you’re willing to give me.”

“Dean can watch over himself for a few days, since he’s so determined to be alone,” Cas said, harsh tone obviously startling Sam.

“What? No, Cas, me leaving was my idea, Dean agreed but he didn’t kick me out or anything,” Sam said, and Castiel wanted to shake the man for defending Dean even now. “He even offered to let me take the Impala!”

“And I still think the two of you splitting up is a terrible idea,” Castiel said. “But you explained your reasoning, and while I think you give yourself too little credit, I can see your point.” He turned his head to stare out the window for a bit. “Dean was somewhat infuriating when I asked your whereabouts.”

“More than usual, you mean?” Sam teased.

“It’s one thing for him to treat me as he does. I am no longer a servant of Heaven, I am a servant of the Winchesters.” It was the first time he’d admitted it out loud, and he was surprised that it didn’t hurt even a little to say. “But I lost my temper at the dismissive way he spoke of you.”

“Cas, I deserve it,” Sam said, and Castiel hurt at the resignation that mixed with the regret. “We’re brothers, we don’t have anyone outside of each other, Bobby, and you, and I still chose Ruby over him. That is the worst possible thing I could have done to Dean, I can’t expect him to just get over it because I’m sorry.”

“Still, I got angry at hearing Dean speak of you that way,” Castiel said. “The two of you need each other.”

“Cas…” Sam shook his head. “We’ll find our way back to each other eventually. In fact, I should text him.” He pulled over to the side of the road and pulled out his phone.

_I’m ok. Hope you are._


	2. Chapter 2

Dean's reply was swift. _Fine. Don’t need babysitting._

“Oh, come on, Dean,” Sam mumbled as he dropped the phone back in his pocket. “I did two years of not knowing, ten months of knowing he was dead if you count the Trickster’s little game. Is it really nagging to send a text after two weeks?”

“Do you check in with Bobby?” Cas asked.

“Yeah. Not every day, but it’s never been more than three,” Sam said.

Castiel nodded. “Bobby knows how you two need each other. He’s probably letting Dean know that you’re all right.”

“Be nice if he’d do the same for me,” Sam muttered a little sourly. He put the car back in gear. “I should probably figure out where I’m headed at least for the night. You wanna come with, or do you need to get back to your search?”

Castiel looked back at Sam, eyes somewhat widened. “Is that courtesy, or do you truly welcome my company?”

Castiel was beginning to dislike the half-grin Sam gave him once more, since it always seemed to be followed by Sam treating himself dismissively. “Tell you what, I’ll turn around and we can go to the library. I think Lawton’s got a university… it’s probably not the most useful place for finding God, but at least you wouldn’t be completely wasting your time just to hang out with me.”

“Time spent with you is not wasted. If I must have a reason, then if I am with you, I can help you continue to defy Lucifer. You don’t have to disrupt your plans for me to be willing to stay. I just didn’t think you would want to ‘hang out’ with me,” Castiel admitted.

Sam blinked a few times. “Why wouldn’t I? When I’m not high on demon blood, I like getting to know people, especially ones who aren’t like anyone I’ve ever known before. You’ve been so many places, seen so many things… you must have some amazing stories to tell.”

“I would have thought you’d have questions about Heaven and the angels, not things you could research here,” Castiel said, eyebrow raised.

Sam gave a quick, but real, smile. “Well yeah, of course I do, but you rebelled. We don’t know what that’s going to do to your mojo, and you’re cut off from Heaven. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to talk about it if the memories are painful, that’s all. I mean, you’re so much more than just the rebel angel who’s attached to my brother.”

Castiel knew that Sam’s consideration of others’ feelings shouldn’t take him by surprise anymore, but it did. “I don’t mind talking about it to you,” he said. “But Sam, please, stop thinking of me as Dean’s angel. I rebelled; I see no reason not to follow my own instinct as to my mission. Of course, now, I understand why I was not allowed to be your angel as well, but part of how I ended up on Uriel’s leash was that I fought for it. Admittedly, at first, it was because of Dean’s love for you, but now it is because your well-being is important to me.”

Sam was silent for a while, and Castiel hoped it was because he was actually processing what he had said instead of focusing only on the parts that fit with his low opinion of himself. “I’ll try, Cas. Thank you.”

“I’ll keep saying it until you believe it, you know,” Castiel said. “Now, where would you like to start?”

“I guess at the beginning… what’s the first thing you remember after being… created?” Sam’s face scrunched in thought. “How do you get new angels anyway?”

“There are several ways. The simplest and most prestigious is to have been created directly from God’s will. These angels tend to be favored, to have a specific purpose in our Father’s plan. All of the archangels were created in this way, and some of the others. Another way, the most common way, is to take part of an angel’s grace and shape it anew, sometimes mixing with the grace of others. Those angels are believed to resemble their… parents, I suppose you could say. How God chooses which angels to use is unknown, and we can never be entirely certain that our guesses about an angel’s creation are correct. And then, on rare occasions… you know how demons are made, how Hell tortures souls until their humanity is gone and all that’s left is a twisted, corrupted smoke. Some souls, who are not held back by human attachments or desires, lose their humanity through exposure to the light of Heaven and leave behind a purified goodness that can easily convert to grace. These usually become cherubs, the lowest rank of angels, but occasionally they can take on higher roles as well.”

“Do you know anything about your origin?” Sam asked, curiosity evident.

Castiel shrugged. “I was never human, no converted human has ever become a soldier. There have been certain signs that I may have been created from God’s will. For one thing, no one has a plausible theory for which angel or angels could have contributed grace to my creation. And then, of course, there’s the rebellion.”

Sam tried to stifle the laughter, but failed. “Sorry, it’s just kind of funny that having rebelled is considered a sign that you were created from God’s will.”

“It is rather ironic,” Castiel had to agree. “Anyway, I’m afraid my first memories are rather dull. I awakened to find a seraph called Naomi waiting to give me a basic assessment, make sure that I hadn’t been created wrong. She instructed me on where to report for testing to assess what I had been created to do. Once they had determined I was a soldier, they made sure I had the skill set I would require and I was given to Anael… Anna.”

“How do they figure out what you are?”

“Trial and error, mostly,” Castiel said, and Sam chuckled. “The guides assess your grace and guess what you might be best suited for, running through basic skills for common roles until they find the correct one. Some angels are harder than others, either because they have an unusual role such as Joshua, who maintains the Garden, or their nature is contradictory or difficult to read. I was one of the latter. I was tested first as a scribe, then as a sentinel. I was actually on my way to be tested for the choir when two of my more unruly siblings caused a disturbance and I subdued them.”

Sam was staring at him. “Somehow, I’m having a lot of trouble imagining you spending all your time singing,” he explained. Castiel nodded his agreement. “A scribe, though, I can see that. What do sentinels do? Sounds like some kind of guard…”

“They monitor Earth, Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven. They keep an eye out for omens or prophecies or other such events. Archangels are the ones summoned to actually protect a prophet, but sentinels are the ones who sound the alert. They handle general prayers, and sometimes, they are assigned to watch a particular person – such as a prophet or a person of interest for a prophecy. They’re the ones who identified you and Dean. Guardian angels are a hybrid of soldier and sentinel, weighted toward whichever the person needs more. Dean needed a soldier more than he needed a sentinel – only a soldier could have made it through Hell.”

“And Dean’s not exactly the praying type,” Sam added.

“No, more the blasphemy and threats type.” Castiel tilted his head and regarded Sam for a while. “You don’t need a soldier, much. A sentinel, yes, but your ideal guardian angel would require a skill set I’m not quite sure I have a name for.”

“Oh, I don’t know, a soldier could kick my ass and stop me from doing stupid shit like drinking demon blood,” Sam said with that irritating half-grin.

“Which would just get you upset and have you acting out. You don’t respond well to being told what to do. Suggestions and appeals to either your rationality or your heart work far better. You don’t need a soldier. You need a… a friend.” Once Castiel said it, he knew he was right. “There’s the skill set: listening, advising, reassuring, judging how to approach you with a task that needs doing. It’s not a particularly common package for an angel.”

“You know, you basically just described what Ruby was for me, last year,” Sam said wistfully. “Although she was faking it the whole time, so I’m pretty sure that’s not ideal.”

“Yes, sincerity is another important trait,” Castiel said, almost smiling. “I’m not sure how well I can be a friend. Not like this, anyway; not a human friend. But I can promise that I am sincere in my attempts.”

“Yeah, you told me your ulterior motives up front. Dean and Lucifer.”

“Sam…”

“What? I agree with them!”

“I’m glad you do,” Castiel said. “But that isn’t why I’m here. If we had been successful, if Dean had gotten to you in time and Lucifer were still caged, I would still be here. Unless I were still deceased, I suppose.”

“Speaking of…” Sam said, and Castiel felt the odd twitching in his palms again. “What happened to Jimmy when you exploded?”

“His soul was freed and reaped into Heaven,” Castiel said. “I could have brought him back, I suppose, but I see no reason to put him through that. It’s still not safe for him to return to his family, and it may never be. He’s at peace, I intend to leave him that way.”

Sam nodded sympathetically. “So you’re alone in there? Is that weird for you?”

“It is, a little,” Castiel said. “It means not having anyone to ask when the body reacts oddly to something, or I don’t understand a reference or a comment. Dealing with your brother is going to be even more difficult, I suspect.”

Sam laughed a little. “I’ll try to answer if you want to ask me,” he offered. “It’s not as good as having a human in your head, but…”

“I find I rather like being alone in this body,” Castiel admitted. “It’s peaceful, and I don’t have to worry about hurting anyone. I knew Jimmy regretted his decision after a while, though I understand his sacrifice for his daughter. And then, as my emotions develop, I am free to act on them as I see fit.”

“I can see that.” Sam shot Cas a look like there was a question he wanted to ask, but wasn’t sure if he should. “Is that something you want to do, then? Develop emotions? Or is it something that’s happening to you?”

Castiel took a minute to actually think about it before answering. “A little of both, I think. In Heaven, the serenity helps to calm emotions, and I was a soldier. Soldiers are expected to show no emotion of their own, though they may draw upon the wrath of God. The anger I felt when I realized Dean had failed… it was stronger than what I had called wrath, before. I’m not sure I want to know what wrath will be like now. But I would like to experience more, even if it is somewhat overwhelming.”

“Welcome to the emotional world,” Sam said with a smile. “It’s still overwhelming for me, and I’ve had them my whole life.”

“May I come to you if I can’t figure out what I’m feeling?” Castiel asked.

“Well, uh…” Sam hesitated. “Sure, I can try to help you out there, but I’m not exactly great at it.”

“Consider the other human I know,” Castiel said, which made Sam laugh.

“We need to introduce you to the Harvelles. Bobby’s as bad about talking about feelings as any Winchester. Ellen’s great, she handles Dean better than almost anyone I’ve ever seen, and Jo’s a sweet kid hiding under a badass. Wonder where they are right now…” Sam pulled into a parking lot, and Cas looked a bit startled to see the library. “I didn’t have plans to disrupt,” Sam explained when Castiel gave him an odd look. “I doubt they’ll have much that’s helpful, but Lawton’s as good a place as any to spend the night, and Dean doesn’t call me a nerd because of my knife skills. Hanging out in the library is my idea of a good time.”


	3. The Bar, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas goes to a bar with Sam. It goes better than when he tried with Dean in canon, at least for now.

Castiel found himself unable to argue with Sam’s logic. After all, it was one of the reasons he had come to Sam for help in the first place. He followed his friend into the library, where they found a somewhat surprisingly large section devoted to religion. Sam was able to set up his laptop and use the internet. Despite this, when the library closed, they had discovered nothing of value. “Where to now?” Castiel asked, despite suspecting he already knew the answer.

“Find a motel to check in to and then hit a bar,” Sam said, and Castiel shook his head. Exactly what he had expected. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

“I haven’t had to be here all day,” Castiel said patiently. “But if I do stay, you have someone to watch your back should a brawl erupt.” There was no way Cas was leaving Sam to get hurt again. Not tonight.

Sam looked a little surprised, but all he said was, “Okay, then. Let’s go.” He drove them to a motel. When he came back from checking in, he was laughing. Castiel raised an eyebrow at him. “Desk clerk made some comments about you and me burning in Hell. I couldn’t help it, I told him that sure, I might, but you’re an angel and there was no way. The look on his face was priceless.”

“I don’t understand,” Cas said. “Why is it humorous that I am an angel?”

Sam shook his head. “I haven’t broken the habit of asking for a double room, and he jumped to conclusions about you and me. Angel is used as a term of endearment, like Dean calling the Impala his baby.”

“You don’t object to him thinking that we’re engaging in sexual relations?” Castiel asked. Given what Sam had said about Oklahoma, he would have expected Sam to correct the clerk.

Sam shrugged. “Nah, it was always Dean who got testy when people made that assumption about the two of us. I really don’t care, up to the point where people start taking swings at me at least. Or you. I know you can take care of yourself, but that’s not the point.” Sam’s smile faded. “Shit, do you object? I’m sorry, I didn’t think…”

“There are many in Heaven who think I rebelled because I have a relationship of that nature with Dean, or so I’m told by the few angels I am still in contact with,” Castiel said. Sam’s eyebrows shot up, and the angel hastily added, “It’s nonsense, of course, or you would know about it already. I find myself amused by it, rather than annoyed. As long as you and Dean know the truth, I don’t care what others assume. I don’t plan to tell Dean about the assumptions, though.”

“Huh. I kinda figured that kind of thing would be forbidden. Anna kinda made it sound that way, at least.”

Castiel nodded. “It is, but it’s not like there are degrees of rebellion. Heaven won’t decide to welcome me back just because I refrained from carnal desires. I can decide for myself what I’m allowed or forbidden to do.”

“Good point.” Sam drove up to a bar that apparently met with his approval. Castiel couldn’t see what made this one different from the three they had passed on the way, but he trusted that Sam knew what he was doing. “Hey, what happens when an angel drinks alcohol?”

“I don’t know. Generally speaking, we don’t partake of human food or beverages.” He thought for a minute, then nodded. “Let’s find out.”

“Awesome,” Sam said as he led the way in. The bar was kind of crowded, but not too crowded for them to find a table. Sam ordered drinks for both of them and a salad for himself. “Want any food?”

“No.” Cas looked around, trying to understand why people came here. “I don’t understand the appeal of places like this.”

Sam shrugged. “For me? It’s kind of home. Dad, Dean, even my friends from college, we spent a lot of nights in bars.” Sam chuckled. “Zach and Brady and the others didn’t quite know what to make of the straight-A dork in the bad clothes who went to rowdy bars, always had a good fake ID, and studied in between games. For Dad, it was the alcohol and the pool tables. For Dean, I think it’s mostly the women – a guy who looks like Dean usually has no trouble finding someone to hook up with for the night.” Sam studied Castiel intently, and just when Cas was about to ask, he finally said, “This could be interesting.”

Mentally Castiel translated that to this could be frightening. “What could?”

“The women who are here looking for a guy to take them home for the night… some of them are bound to have a thing for blue eyes and a suit. You’ll probably get hit on at _least_ once.” That alarmed Castiel – why should his eye color get him hit? Sam recognized the problem, though. “Not like this,” he said as he gestured to his bruises. “Girls trying to pick… inviting you to hang out with them and, if things go well, have sex.”

“Oh.” Frightening indeed. “What do I do?”

“Depends. If you’re interested, you talk to her and, uh, just follow her lead,” Sam finished with a bit of embarrassment. “If you’re not, tell her that. And if she won’t leave you alone, find me.” Castiel gave Sam a frankly terrified look. Sam was going to leave him alone here? “I’m not gonna leave you alone long, but I might be getting more drinks or in the bathroom or something. Maybe playing darts or pool.”

“What if you get… hit on?” Castiel asked. Although in truth, if Sam were to leave with a woman, Castiel would probably head out to pursue other avenues in his search.

Sam looked around at the people in the bar. “Well, for one, that’s not likely to happen. But if it does, I’m not really into the one-night stand thing, and I don’t see anyone here I’d ditch you for. Been ditched a little too often myself to do it to someone else.”

It was Castiel’s turn to study Sam. Admittedly, he was hardly an expert in what made one human more attractive to another, but he failed to see how Sam was any less attractive than Jimmy or Dean. “I don’t understand. Why is it unlikely?”

“Because I have this tendency to hang out with guys who are hotter than me,” Sam said, and he evidently recognized Castiel’s confusion as he added, “Honestly, I don’t know, Cas. Maybe because I’m a big guy and therefore scary, maybe I’m putting out some kind of signal that I’m not interested. I don’t have trouble getting women if I want to, but it’s unusual for them to hit on me.”

“I see,” Castiel said. “So you can’t teach me how to put out that signal?”

“There’s a couple tricks. Not foolproof, but good. Easiest to learn: avoid eye contact. Don’t let a woman think you’re looking at her that way. Look busy with something. I can pull out my laptop, that can cover us both.” Castiel nodded in gratitude, and Sam pulled the laptop out of its bag. Once it was set up, Sam grinned. “They have wi-fi! Internet.”

“Are you going to continue research?” Castiel asked. Somehow, the idea didn’t appeal to him.

Sam shook his head. “I need a break, at least from the God thing. The computer’s out to shield us from getting hit on, remember? But I can use Google to help explain something human to you, or learn more about something you say. Or check the news, see if there’s anything going on that I need to handle or call Bobby on.” He fiddled with the computer. “So, not interested in sex?”

“Not with them,” Castiel said immediately. “Sex was intended for procreation, which I have no interest in, or as a celebration of love. That one, perhaps, but first I would require someone I loved in that fashion.”

Sam looked up from his computer. “So is other sex problematic?”

“Not as long as it’s consensual; it’s part of free will to use things in a manner that was not the original intent. Dean is all right.”

Sam grinned as he went back to his laptop. “That transparent?”

“Only to someone who knows you,” Castiel said. “You aren’t one for casual sex and your concern for Dean is rarely far from your mind. It was either Dean or Ruby, and I’m reasonably certain that you would rate that far enough down your list of reasons that you wouldn’t bother to ask.”

Sam threw back his head laughing. “Actually, I hadn’t thought to put that on the list at all. At some point, she stopped being ‘a demon’ and started just being ‘Ruby’. I mean, it’s not like I forgot what she was, how could I? But I never really connected the fact that Ruby was a demon and I slept with Ruby to realize I slept with a demon. Which, now that I do realize it… ew, that was a huge mistake.”

“Mistakes,” Cas said. “Just another part of free will.”

“So angels don’t have free will? Unless they fall or rebel?”

“Exactly. No matter what your role is, to be an angel is to be part of an order. When you receive instructions from your superiors, you follow them. Between instructions, you wait. Even the archangels obey the orders of God, except for Lucifer. To question orders is to question your superiors. Depending on where the order originated, this can easily be construed as blasphemy. I was a bad angel in that respect – when given ‘crap’ orders, I questioned them in my heart. But I kept silent. I never did thank you and Dean for saving Anna from Uriel and me. I would have killed her had Ruby not brought Alastair, despite my misgivings about the orders.” Castiel stared at his drink, idly wondering what it was supposed to be doing to him. Humans seemed quite fond of them. “Anna would be better off dead than in Heaven’s prison. But then, if she had died then, she wouldn’t have shown me the way to free will, and I would not have rebelled. Dean would have given himself to Michael to stop Zachariah’s torture of you, and with Dean gone…”

“I’m Lucifer by now,” Sam finished for him. “And the world is screwed.”

Castiel looked up at Sam. “Of course, there are other ways it could have happened. I don’t mean to imply…”

“No, Cas, I understand,” Sam said. “You don’t rebel, we’re screwed. I don’t repent when Ruby tells me what I’ve done, I can’t imagine I get taken to that plane… we’re screwed. Bobby doesn’t get control of the demon that possessed him, Dean dies, Michael brings him back and chances are we’re screwed. There are so few of us fighting, any one of us doing something differently could have ended up with us screwed.”

“Yes, exactly,” Castiel said, relieved that Sam had understood.

Sam cleared his throat. “So, uh, why are you so gung-ho about free will? I mean, I know ‘because Dean’, but… if it’s something you can tell me…”

“Why couldn’t I tell you?” Castiel asked. “Even after I began shaking off my reconditioning, I thought that free will led to pain and suffering. I looked at you, and I saw someone who chose to pursue his own power over doing what was right despite the pain you were causing both yourself and others. I looked at Dean, and I saw someone whose choices had led him to becoming a mess of sorrow. My own doubts had never done anything good for me; when I got too close to acting on them, I was put through reconditioning. It’s torture, Sam. There’s no other word for it. Hell has the reputation, but torture wasn’t invented by demons. But I talked to Dean, who told me he would rather have the pain and suffering of free will than the peace of Heaven. He wanted the real you, even as you had become, over the version he would have had in Heaven. And then, I learned the full extent of what the angels had done. Free will didn’t cause the Apocalypse. The machinations of Heaven and Hell did. Perhaps free will could have prevented it, had you or Dean or I made different choices at some point, but you didn’t cause it. And then – humanity is God’s favorite of his creations. I can only believe it’s because of your free will. I rebelled against Heaven, not God.”

“Wow.” Sam’s voice had gone soft. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. No wonder you were so angry when we failed.”

“I’m not angry anymore,” Castiel said. “I’m far more interested in coming up with a plan to protect you humans and your free will, but aside from finding God, I must confess I’m uncertain as to what can be done.”

“Dean and I have to keep holding out,” Sam said. “Fate of the entire world on our shoulders, it’s a bit scary. It’s why I have to figure out a good coping mechanism before I start fighting.” Sam paused, staring over Castiel’s shoulder. “Look out, we have company.”


	4. The Bar, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas watches in confusion as Sam nearly gets into another barfight. Sam explains, and Cas has a brilliant idea.

A pretty woman with curly blonde hair came into view, a big smile on her face. She leaned against the table, facing Castiel. “Haven’t seen you around here, handsome. You new in town?”

“I have never been to this city,” Castiel said. He wondered why she had come to ask about it.

“Well then, you need someone to show you around,” the woman said. “My name’s Claire, and I am perfectly happy to volunteer.”

“Claire. That is Jimmy’s daughter’s name.”

Claire looked puzzled. “Who’s Jimmy?”

Sam jumped in at that point, much to Castiel’s relief. “His brother. He died unexpectedly a couple months ago.”

“Oh, that’s terrible! I’m so sorry,” Claire said. Somehow, it sounded false to Castiel. Claire had turned a cool look on Sam, though. “And you are…”

“He is my friend,” Castiel said. “I don’t think we plan to stay in this city long, so there is no need to show me around.” Sam gave him a quick nod and a thumbs up.

Claire pouted at him. “Do you have something better to do tonight than see the sights?”

That finally made Claire’s intentions plain to Castiel, and he remembered Sam’s advice. “I have no interest in spending it with you.”

“Rude,” Claire said, but she seemed to get the point as she flounced away.

Castiel looked to Sam. “Was that wrong?”

“No, most women could have read the complete indifference when you said we weren’t staying long. Sometimes blunt is necessary, she just didn’t handle rejection well.” Sam looked over Castiel’s shoulder and swore. “We may have trouble.”

“How so?”

“Claire’s talking to some guys and pointing at us. They’re not looking too friendly.” Sam pointedly returned his attention to his computer and his salad.

“So?” Castiel asked. He didn’t turn around to look. “We did nothing to her.”

Sam sighed. “Yeah, you know that and I know that, but Claire could be saying we did.” He put the laptop away as three men surrounded the table.

The bravest, a man in red flannel, glared at Castiel. “Don’t your kind have your own bars to go to and leave us decent folk alone?”

Castiel tilted his head, regarding the man curiously. How had he known that Castiel was not human? “No. My kind do not usually drink alcoholic beverages.”

“Not what he meant, Cas,” Sam said, trying not to grin. “Look, pal, your girl Claire hit on my friend, he’s not interested. I have nothing to do with it.” Castiel gave Sam the look of confusion. What had he meant, then?

Another man, wearing a T-shirt with someone apparently named Dale Earnhardt on it, took a step closer to Sam. “Sure. So if he ain’t queer, what’s so wrong with Claire that he’s not interested?”

“She shares a name with my niece,” Castiel said, going along with Sam’s earlier lie.

“So?” the third man demanded. His T-shirt was a solid black. “She ain’t your niece. Lots of people have the same name.”

Cas looked to Sam for help. Sam sighed. “He doesn’t do the one-night stand thing, he’s a really religious type. We’re just passing through. It’s nothing to do with Claire at all, really.”

“And what, he can’t talk for himself?” Earnhardt T-shirt said.

“Sure he can,” Sam said with a shrug. “I just feel responsible because I’m the one who dragged him here. I don’t want anyone getting hurt.” Castiel shook his head; these men could not hurt him.

Red Flannel sneered. “Course you don’t, because it’d be you and your boyfriend. You two are pussies.”

Sam very slowly got to his feet, for once standing up straight and without hunching his shoulders. “I’m not scared of you. Cas may not look it, but he can kick my ass without even having to stop what he’s doing. We don’t want trouble, but you’re not intimidating us out of here.” Cas shook his head, trying to tell Sam that they should just leave, but Sam either didn’t see it or didn’t care.

Red Flannel had backed off a little when Sam first stood up, but he came right back now. “So you’re big. But you’re stupid in addition to gay. There’s two of you, three of us.”

Castiel wanted to protest the insult directed at Sam, but Sam beat him to speaking. “You know? Good point. Cas, I think you can sit this one out.” Sam began stretching his arms, loosening up.

“Sam, are you trying to goad them into a fight?” Castiel said.

Sam grinned, and there was something just a little manic in it. “No, I’d rather drink my beer in peace. But if they’re gonna insist, I’m happy to oblige. Don’t want them getting hurt too bad, though, so stay out of it.”

“Will you at least tell me what this is even about?” Castiel asked, hoping it would stall the fight until he’d figured out a way to talk Sam down.

“Claire told them you rejected her because you’re with me.” Castiel failed to see the relevance of his companion to his lack of interest in Claire. “Second time tonight, man. One more and you’ll tie Dean’s record, I thought he was gonna kill that third asshole when he said it.”

It took Cas a couple seconds to connect the dots. “You object now?” he asked, feeling oddly hurt by it.

Sam seemed to realize that. “Nah, they can think whatever they want, I don’t care about that. I object to them threatening to hurt us over it.”

That both relieved and angered Castiel, and he stood up to stand beside Sam. “They can’t hurt me. And I am not letting them hurt you.”

“This guy? We can’t hurt this guy?” Red Flannel jeered. “He’s a scrawny SOB hiding under a big coat.” He threw a punch at Cas, which Cas allowed to hit his jaw. He didn’t even turn his head, just gave him the intense stare that Dean and Sam complained about. The guy cradled his hand, now badly bruised. “What the…”

“I told you, you cannot hurt me, and you will not hurt Sam,” Castiel said calmly. “Walk away now.”

Black T-shirt shook his head. “You guys ain’t leaving here that easy,” he promised, aiming his fist at Sam’s ribs. Castiel reached back and caught the man’s fist with his hand, holding on just long enough to make his point.

“You will not hurt Sam,” Cas repeated once more as he let go.

“Cas, they’re not that tough,” Sam protested.

Cas looked the three of them over. “No, they’re not. And right now, they can walk away unharmed. However, the next one to attempt a strike will find himself in pain.”

“Naw, we’re okay,” Earnhardt T-shirt said, aiming at Sam’s face while Black T-shirt went for a blow to the stomach. Cas stepped in front, taking the body blow himself while he grabbed Earnhardt T-shirt’s wrist. He flipped the man to the ground while Black T-Shirt staggered back, holding his hand.

“All right, let’s go.” A large man came over and hauled Earnhardt T-shirt off the ground. “Come on, you three, you need to go walk it off.” He nodded to Sam and Cas. “You two might not wanna stay, you’re gonna get hassled all night for getting three of the regulars booted, but you were clearly defending yourselves so I’m not gonna throw you out.”

Sam sat back down and took a bite of his salad. “Thanks, but I’m staying if they’ll keep serving me drinks.”

As the bouncer shrugged and left, Cas resumed his seat as well. “Why did we not just leave when they made their intentions clear?”

Sam shrugged. “I hate bullies, and Dad and Dean never ran from a fight. Maybe next time they’ll think twice before hassling guys who are just trying to get a drink. Why’d you step in? I had it, I could have taken them.”

Castiel stared at Sam, trying to work out what was going on. “And gotten more bruises, possibly another torn ligament or a broken nose or broken bone. Are you trying to get hurt?” Sam didn’t answer, just poked at his salad, and Castiel’s eyes went wide as he realized that was, in fact, what his friend was after. “Sam… why?”

It took Sam a bit to answer that one. “I’ve been having these dreams. Ever since Ilchester, really. I didn’t start the fight that gave me these, but that night… the dreams left me alone. When I was still in pain from you carving the sigil into my ribs, I didn’t have the dreams. I’m not trying to get hurt, exactly. But if I get a chance at a fight, I’m not going to duck it.”

“Pain helps you sleep,” Castiel said, making sure he understood.

“Yeah,” Sam said, shrugging. “It’s weird, but it seems to work.”

Castiel tried to find a way to help. He could, he supposed, knock Sam out and block him from dreaming at all, but he didn’t think Sam would accept that as a solution. Then he had what he considered a brilliant idea. “Fight me. If my grace does drain completely, I’ll need to be able to fight without it. I can pull it back, fight you using only Jimmy’s body and my skill. If one of us goes too far, I can heal it right then. You get your bruises, I get my practice, and it’s safer. All of those men had knives, and one had a gun.”

Sam shook his head. “Cas, your grace…”

“Is fine for healing minor injuries,” Castiel interrupted. “I have faith that I can keep from damaging you beyond my ability to heal, and healing my vessel is easy. At least for now, I’m still capable of taking a shotgun shell to the chest and not even breaking stride. I will let you know if that changes.”

“Why are you offering this?” Sam asked, disbelief written all over him.

“Because you are my friend,” Castiel said. He hoped Sam wasn’t going to twist this into fitting into his mistaken beliefs about Castiel’s feelings. “Both of us benefit. And if I am the one hurting you, I don’t have to worry if tonight is the night it goes too far and you are injured beyond my ability to heal, like your friend Bobby was.”

Sam couldn’t hide the amusement. “You’re going to beat me up because you care about me,” he said.

“It is an odd way to show friendship,” Castiel had to acknowledge. “Do you not trust me to do this for you?”

“It is so not about trusting you,” Sam said. “I couldn’t trust anyone more than I trust you. It’s just…” Sam stared at Castiel for a while, before coming to a decision. “You know what? Why not. This might even be fun.”

Castiel’s confused face came back out. “Fun?”

“Remember what my life has been,” Sam said as he stood up. “I always liked sparring with Dean, even if I couldn’t beat him. Even when I resented anything else to do with hunting.” He headed off to the bar, and when he came back, he picked up his laptop bag. “I think we’ve stayed long enough to make the point that we’re leaving because we choose to, not because some jerks scared us out. Come on.”

Castiel stood up gratefully. “You honestly like coming to places like this?” he asked, still unable to see the appeal.

“Sometimes,” Sam said. “Dean really does like it. Being here… it helps me to miss Dean less.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Readers from Oklahoma: sorry for picking on your state. Both my parents are Sooners, so I know there's good people there. <3


	5. Fight Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Sam beat the crap out of each other.

When they got back to the motel, Sam dropped his bags off in the room and then led Cas to a nearby alley, where he dropped his jacket against the wall and took a fighting stance. The fight started slowly, both people trying to get a sense of the other’s style. Cas was the first to escalate, swinging faster although not much harder. “Come on, Cas, you’re supposed to hurt me here,” Sam taunted as he stepped up his own game. Cas nodded and stopped holding back, throwing Sam into the wall of the alley. “That’s more like it,” Sam growled, picking himself up and throwing himself back toward Cas. The fight turned brutal, and didn’t last much longer. Sam dropped to one knee, breathing hard, and held up his hands. “Nice work, my head feels really clear. I should sleep well tonight.”

Cas offered Sam a hand up and examined him critically. “I would not enjoy fighting you out of anger. This was quite pleasant, though. Were you holding back?”

“A little, well, a lot at first,” Sam said. “But so were you.”

“Don’t next time,” Cas requested. “I’ll still get in enough shots to give you what you need, but I’m uncertain which of us would win, and I’d like to find out.”

Sam’s smile lit up the alley. “There’s going to be a next time? Good. It’s been a long time since I could just let go and _fight_ without demon blood or worrying about going too far. Anything broken?”

Cas held out a hand. “You cracked one of my ribs and I broke your finger. The rib is healed already. Let me see your hand.”

Sam let Cas take it. “Let me guess, the second time I hit the wall? I definitely felt some sharp pain that time. Cracked rib from the kick?”

“Yes. I’m not certain when your finger broke, but your guess sounds reasonable.” Castiel let his grace flow through, healing the broken bone. “How does it feel now?”

“Much better, and these bruises should be plenty to keep me sleeping for a few days. I’m sorry I doubted you, this was a really good idea,” Sam said.

The two stood in the alley for some time, before Castiel realized he still had Sam’s hand in his. He let go and took a step back. “I… I should probably go, you need to get cleaned up and, and get to sleep.”

“Yeah, and you must have other work to do, leads to follow.” Sam picked up the jacket he’d dropped, but didn’t put it on. “I, uh… I’ll call you if my research turns up anything, or I could use a fight. You’ll call if there’s anything I can do for you?”

“Of course.” Cas turned to go, but stopped and turned back. “Sam. You will beat your addiction, I’m sure of it. And thank you. Today was the first time I’ve felt content since rebelling. Please, call me if you need anything.”

“You’ll keep saying it until I believe it, huh?” Sam said with his irritating half-smile. “Might take a while, Cas.”

“Then I suppose I’ll just have to say it often. Sleep well, Sam,” Castiel said as he departed for real this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one, I know. But I kind of felt like it needed to be a separate chapter.


	6. Round 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas returns, and it's Sam's turn to play therapist for Castiel as he gets a little overwhelmed.

It was a few days later that Sam called Cas. “Hey, um, if you have some time, can you come see me? It’s…” Castiel suspected Sam had changed what he was going to say when he finished with, “I need a fight.”

Still, whatever it was Sam needed, Castiel only had one question. “Of course. Where are you?”

“Anadarko, Oklahoma. Room 32 at the Sagebrush Motel.”

Cas was there before Sam finished the sentence. Physically, Sam looked better, but… “You appear highly upset. What’s wrong?”

Sam hesitated, but finally came out with, “With the sigils, could Lucifer still get into my dreams?”

“If he got a feel of your mind before you were on that plane…” Castiel started. He stopped when he realized what that meant for Sam. “I thought the point of these fights for you was to block the dreams. What happened?”

Sam ducked his head. “Yeah, I… thought about calling you yesterday, I should have, but I thought I’d be all right for one more day. I was wrong, and Lucifer was… seemed like he was trying to make up for the nights the pain kept him at bay.”

Castiel swallowed the frustration. He knew the answer already, he was fairly certain, but he still had to ask. “Why didn’t you call me, Sam? I would have come gladly.”

“I don’t know,” Sam said. “I should have, I… I guess I just didn’t wanna bother you.”

Which was exactly what Cas had feared Sam would say. “Well, you have,” he snapped. He caught Sam’s expression and quickly clarified, “Not by calling me. Right now, if you call me, I will come. Nothing is more important to me. Once I’ve calmed enough to work with Dean again, I won’t leave him to come to you unless it’s an emergency, but I won’t leave you to go to him, either. I’m bothered that you would rather risk the dreams than call me.”

“I’m sorry, Cas, you’re right, I shouldn’t have…” Sam cleared his throat. “I should know you’ll come if I need you.”

It was a small victory, but a victory all the same. Castiel felt the warmth in his chest and pushed for Sam to fully understand. “I will come even if you just want to see me, or research together. I can bring my books to wherever you are as easily as I can read them where I am.”

Sam nodded. “If you wanna hang out, call or come by whenever. I’m gonna be here for a while. Got a job at a bar, the room here… everything I need that I can have right now.” Sam was quiet for a moment, until he forced a smile. “I’ve got some time before work, I was gonna do some research or watch a movie after our fight. I’d… I could really use the company, if you can stay. So if you want to do something else before our fight…”

“Let’s fight first, that way you have time to get cleaned up before going in to work,” Castiel said, remembering the awkwardness that had resulted the last time. Perhaps having plans for after the fight would alleviate that somewhat.

“Okay, then. Let’s go.” Sam stripped off his shirts and led Cas to an isolated back alley. “Ready when you are.” Once again, the fight was brutal. Neither fighter held anything back, and by the time Sam raised his hands in surrender, they were both covered in grime, blood, and sweat. “Looks like you still win,” Sam said through panted breaths.

Castiel was breathing equally hard as he let his grace back out. “Only because I got your ribs before you got my shoulder. It was close.” Sam shook his head, laughing a little at the fact that Cas was already cleaned up, and led the way back inside.

Sam came out of the bathroom with the first aid kit and a damp towel. “Damage?”

“You dislocated my shoulder when you flipped me and I broke two of your ribs, I believe when you hit the dumpster,” Castiel reported. “I’m fixed up. Your turn.”

Sam nodded. “Do I need stitches anywhere?”

Cas looked over the various cuts and shook his head. “Nothing looks particularly deep, and you’re not bleeding anymore. If you’ll allow me, though, it would probably be a good idea for me to disinfect them.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Sam said, sitting on the rumpled bed. Cas sat beside him, putting a hand to Sam’s chest over the cracked ribs. Once he had finished, Cas went to pull away, but he ended up slumping forward instead. Sam caught him and went to push him back up. When he saw the tears, though, he pulled the angel forward into a hug. “What’s going on, Cas?” Sam asked when Castiel seemed to be finished.

“I don’t… I don’t know,” Castiel said. “I’m not sad. Isn’t crying a sign of sadness?”

“That’s what most people would think of first, but people cry for all kinds of reasons. Fear, anger, even joy. You? I’m guessing you just got a little overwhelmed.” Sam let go, and Castiel pulled away. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not particularly, but I think I need to,” Castiel said, and Sam laughed. “I never realized how complicated human emotions could get. How do you manage it?”

“I think it helps that we start as babies, we’re kind of scaffolded in,” Sam said. “Little kids’ emotions are a lot less complicated, and you have time to learn. What are you feeling?”

“Worried about you. Frustrated by the Apocalypse. I’m still somewhat angry with Dean, although not as bad as I was. Hopeful about my search for God. Anxiety about what will happen to the world while I search, and what’s happening to me as a result of my rebellion. All of these are things I’ve grown accustomed to, though.” Castiel took a deep breath. He already felt somewhat better just for having spoken his feelings aloud.

“Cas, Lucifer could be in my dreams every night, and it wouldn’t matter,” Sam said. “I’m not going to say yes.”

Castiel took a minute to realize why Sam would bring that up, and he let out a groan. “I know that perfectly well, Sam. That’s not why I worry about you. I worry because you’re out here alone. Because even with Dean looking after you, you don’t eat or sleep the way you should. You’ve already been found by one hunter, what happens if the next one draws a gun on you? You wouldn’t stay dead, Lucifer could and would bring you back, but I would feel your death. And the thought terrifies me.”

“Careful there, Cas,” Sam said with that irritating half-smile. “I might start believing you actually like me.”

“I wish you would stop putting yourself down like that, Sam,” Castiel said. Sam wanted to know what he was feeling, and this gave him another chance to try to help the hunter. “You’ve made mistakes, yes. You fell prey to a demon’s manipulations – a demon who was aided by the angels who were supposed to oppose her. That doesn’t mean you are any less worthy of respect or friendship, that you somehow matter less.”

As always, when confronted by a reminder of his worth, Sam deflected. “Cas, this isn’t about me. This is about you. Any idea what set this off now?”

“My grace,” Castiel said, and Sam looked at him curiously. “When I used it to heal your ribs, I found I had to restrain it.”

“Restrain it? What do you mean?” Sam asked.

“Keep it from healing the cuts, or going to your bruises. My grace has never gotten out of my control like that, never done anything but exactly what I intended for it to do. I felt it a little bit last time, but nothing like what happened today.” He could almost feel Sam about to make the offer, so he added, “I don’t want to stop our fights. They’re helpful. I want to keep going. It just frightened me. If I lose control completely and heal you more than I intend to, then we can talk about stopping.”

“Fair enough,” Sam said with a real smile. “How are you feeling now?”

“Better,” Castiel said. “Between the fight and the crying, it feels like I have a much better grip on my emotions now, and I understand better for having explained them to you. Thank you.”

“Any time,” Sam said. “A couple suggestions, if you don’t mind listening?” Castiel nodded. “One: Don’t do this with Dean if you can avoid it. He’d make fun of you, which is generally not helpful.”

“So you have no one to talk to when things get to be too much to deal with alone?” Castiel felt a pang of sympathy.

Sam sighed. “That’s part of how Ruby got in. But Dad raised us to bury things deep inside and never speak of them again. I was never as good at it as Dad was, or even Dean, but I can deal. Experience helps a lot, right?”

Castiel shook his head. He didn’t understand how John Winchester could have raised two wonderful sons. “I can’t promise to be very helpful, but I am an angel. I know how to listen. If you need to talk, you can call me.”

“Somehow, I thought you might say that,” Sam said. “Kind of hoped you would, actually. Anyway, suggestion two: take the day off. You’ve been running nonstop for a long time, sometimes it’s helpful to just shut off your brain for a while. Everyone’s entitled to take a break once in a while, and when you’re this overwhelmed, you probably need one.”

“What does ‘taking a break’ entail?” Castiel asked, hoping that it didn’t involve bars.

Sam shrugged. “It’s different for everyone. Some people like to watch movies, or read a book, or play sports or games. Dean’s favorites are rock concerts or our annual Vegas trip. If you want, you can stay here and I can put on some movies until I have to go to work. It’s Tuesday, the bar will be slow, you can come with me.” At Castiel’s look of alarm, Sam laughed. “Part of my job is to make sure the customers aren’t hassled. The regulars will leave you alone, and on a Tuesday, we’re not likely to get the rowdy kind of drifters. You’ll be safe.”

Castiel wasn’t entirely sure he believed Sam, but he could always leave if Sam was mistaken. It might be worth the risk. “All right, then.”

“Right! Okay, I’m going to guess you have no idea what kind of movies you like?”

“I’ve never watched a movie. I don’t even know what kinds there are,” Castiel said.

Sam got out his laptop and set it up. “Then we can watch a bunch of different kinds until you figure out what you like. Let’s start…” Sam looked at some things on the screen. “Batman. Of course. Dean loves it and I’ve seen it enough that I won’t miss anything while I finish cleaning up.”

Cas closed his eyes against the wave of frustration. “What does Dean have to do with what movies you and I watch?”

“Nothing, it’s just that maybe you’ll start understanding some of the references he makes all the time,” Sam said, a little startled. “Besides, Dean had a pretty big influence on my taste in movies, I like Batman too.”

“I see,” Castiel said, finding a comfortable position from which to watch the movie. Sam started it, then disappeared into the bathroom for a shower. When he came out, he was only wearing a towel. Cas had been yelled at by Dean enough to know to look away.

Sam chuckled when he noticed it. “Didn’t know angels cared about nudity.”

“We don’t,” Cas said. “But humans do, and you’re human.”

“Dean?”

“Dean.”

“Well, usually Dean’s right,” Sam said. “But I don’t really care what you see. I lived in a dorm, and my friend Brady was fond of practical jokes. Shyness didn’t last long.” Now dressed, Sam came over and took a seat to watch the movie.


	7. Dean Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean calls Cas for help. Cas answers the call, and he and Dean make up. At least start to.

Batman was almost over when Castiel’s phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and frowned when he saw the caller ID. Dean. For a moment, he considered putting the phone back in his pocket, but then it occurred to him that Sam probably hadn’t heard anything about Dean since the text. “Hello, Dean. Are you well?”

Sam paused the movie and held his breath, watching Cas as he listened to Dean. “Since when do you waste time on greetings? I’m on a hunt in Tennessee, need some backup here.”

“A shame you don’t have a hunting partner who instinctively has your back and knows what you’ll do,” Castiel said, and Sam shook his head.

Dean was even less amused. “Stop being a smartass and get here, Cas. I can’t handle this fight by myself, and I wouldn’t let Sam near this one even if he were close enough to get here. Demons, ten of ‘em. Not sure what they’re doing, but I’m willing to bet it ain’t stopping Lucifer.”

Once again, Cas considered saying no. But Dean was his general, and he felt certain that if he consulted Sam, the younger hunter would tell him to go. “Fine. Where?” Dean gave him the specific location and hung up. “Sam, I’m sorry. Dean needs help with a demon fight. If I may, I’ll come back when we’re done?”

“Of course,” Sam said immediately. “If I’m not here, the bar’s just two miles down the road. Be careful, and take care of Dean.”

 

“What the hell took you so long?” Dean asked when Castiel arrived.

Of course. No thanks for coming, or asking if he’d found Sam and how he was, just irritation that he hadn’t come sooner. “Be lucky I didn’t stay to see the end of the movie. I considered not coming at all. What’s the plan?”

That got Dean’s attention, and he gaped at Cas. “Cas, what the hell. You considered not coming?”

“Yes.” Castiel started walking toward the house at the top of the hill, where he could sense the demons. “Is there a plan, or do I just go in smiting?”

“Why?” Dean demanded.

“Because I’m still angry. Because I think you need to be taught a lesson. Because I was happy where I was, taking a break that I seem to have badly needed.”

“No, really, what the hell, Cas? What is wrong with you?” Dean grabbed Castiel by the shoulder to make him stop, and Castiel flinched as his fingers inadvertently dug into a bruise. “You don’t take a break from the Apocalypse!”

“Yes, of course,” Castiel said. “You work around the clock for three weeks while trying to cope with the fallout of turning your back on everything you’ve ever known. You can’t tell me I can’t take a day to try to get a handle on the fallout issues.”

Dean’s hand dropped, and there was guilt in his eyes when he asked, “Are you okay to be here, Cas? Mojo working for this?”

“My ‘mojo’ is fine,” Castiel said. “One more time: plan?”

Dean looked at him for another moment. “Kill as many as you can. Smite, blade, whatever. See if you can figure out what they’re doing here. I’m gonna go around back and take the other side.”

Castiel nodded and threw open the door to the barn. He let his grace flare around him in a blue glow, which got the attention of the demons away from a trio of humans hanging from the ceiling. Castiel sprang into action, slashing at the demons with his angel blade. He was aware when Dean joined in from the other side, using the Kurdish knife to take down his share of the demon horde. The last demon fell as they met in the middle of the barn.

Dean stared at Castiel. “What happened to you? What can do that to an angel?”

At first, Castiel didn’t understand the question, but then he noticed that one of the demons had managed to rip his shirt enough that some of his bruising was visible. “I chose not to heal my bruises after my fight this morning,” he half-explained. Off Dean’s what-the-fuck face, he added, “This way I can monitor and make sure to get back before they heal too much. Sam can be quite stubborn.”

“ _Sam_ did that to you,” Dean said, looking somewhat ill. “And you still think I should be riding with him?”

“Yes. To both.” Castiel didn’t understand the problem – until he did. “Even if he were on the blood again, which he is not, Sam couldn’t bruise me if I didn’t allow him to, and you know that.”

“See, you having to clarify that? You seriously want me to ride with a guy I can’t trust not to be sucking down blood right now and who’s beating up my friend?” Dean moved over to start cutting down the unconscious innocents.

Reluctantly, Castiel said, “This fight, I agree, it’s probably best that Sam isn’t here. He needs time to develop coping mechanisms and to find some faith in himself. But the two of you need each other, and the sooner you remember that, the better.”

“I’m still pissed over Ruby,” Dean reminded Cas. “How am I just supposed to let that go?”

“You don’t,” Castiel said. “But you can look at how the two of you got to that point and think about changes _you_ might need to make in how you treat Sam.”

“So it’s my fault now.” Disbelief was written all over Dean. “Everything I do is about taking care of Sammy!”

“Dean, I know Sam is your younger brother and you raised him because your father wouldn’t do it,” Castiel started. “But that’s just the point: you raised him. He’s a grown man who can and does think for himself. Sometimes, he will disagree with you. When your response to that is to yell at Sam and shut him down, what do you expect to happen when he gets the chance to work with someone who will take the time to listen to his side? Someone who will give him reasons instead of orders? I’m not excusing Sam. This was his mistake, and it’s on him to earn your forgiveness and trust. I’m just saying that you aren’t entirely blameless, and if you don’t want to repeat your mistakes, perhaps you should look at what went wrong and see what changes you can make when Sam comes back.”

“What…” Dean shook his head as if to clear it. He backed away from Castiel a bit. “Sorry I interrupted your _break_. Go on back.”

It was a clear dismissal, but Castiel, for once, wasn’t having it. “So you aren’t even going to ask then. And you wonder why I’m so angry at you that I consider not taking your call or coming when you say?”

“What are you talking about?” Dean asked, and Castiel tried to decide which was worse: if Dean honestly didn’t know, or Dean was playing dumb. “What am I supposed to ask you?”

“You have to know I’ve seen Sam, spoken with him, but you won’t ask if he’s all right or what he’s doing?”

“Well, obviously what he’s doing is beating you up,” Dean snarled, but then he deflated a bit, suddenly looking more like the broken man he’d rebelled for than the angry general he’d been working with since. “Cas, I miss my brother like I cut off a leg and threw it away. I can’t let myself think about him, or I’ll hunt him down and beg him to come back. He’ll call me when he’s ready, I’ll give him hell because I’m still pissed, maybe even say no and then call him back a few hours later to tell him where to meet.”

“Why say no in the first place then?” Castiel asked, as his own anger began to leech out of him.

“Because I’m an asshole, and I’ll probably still be pissed enough to want to lash out and hurt him,” Dean admitted. “I get reports from Bobby, I know Sam’s okay and that if I want to know where he is, Bobby knows and will tell me if I’m going to get him back.”

“Sam doesn’t get reports from Bobby. I answered the phone so that I would have news of you to pass along to him.”

Dean blinked. “What? I figured Bobby was passing along reports. He does for me, why wouldn’t he do the same for Sam?”

“I don’t know, but I do know that the only word your brother has had from or of you is a four-word text message telling him off and what I could give him when I found him.”

“Well, shit,” Dean said, scrubbing a hand across his face. “I didn’t know. Sammy dealing all right?”

“Sam is as well as can be expected,” Castiel said carefully. “He’s coping with the separation well, or at least hiding it well when I’m around. I should probably get back to him.”

“Wait,” Dean said, and Castiel folded his wings. “Can you do anything for them?” He jerked a thumb towards the humans they had rescued.

Castiel went to examine them. “Yes, I can help them at least partly,” he said, reaching down to do what he could for them. He noted that his grace behaved perfectly and turned to Dean. “Your turn.”

“I’m good,” Dean said, backing away. “Save your mojo for the important crap.”

It was almost funny, how much alike the brothers could be for all their differences. “You and your brother are both so stubborn. Dean, please let me, my grace behaved oddly earlier when I was healing Sam and I would like to see if it does the same with you.”

“What happened to Sam? You said he was fine!” Dean accused.

Castiel rolled his eyes. “What did you think I was doing when Sam gave me these bruises? He very nearly won the fight.”

“What were you fighting about?” Dean asked, still uncertain and angry.

“Practice. If I pull back my grace, he and I are very evenly matched, and we don’t have to hold back because I can heal whatever damage we do to each other.”

Dean raised an eyebrow, but he no longer looked upset. “Okay, that’s weird, but whatever. Fine, heal me.”

Castiel reached out, healing the worst of Dean’s wounds but leaving the minor ones. Once again, his grace behaved perfectly. “Just Sam, then.”

“Reaction to the demon blood?” Dean asked.

“Unlikely,” Castiel said. “My grace is too eager to heal Sam, not unwilling like it was last year.”

Dean scoffed. “If you were human, I’d accuse you of having a crush on him.”

“Why would I wish to crush your brother?”

“Not… I should’ve kept my mouth shut,” Dean said. “Having a crush on someone means you’re attracted to them and you might want something more than friendship with them.”

“Oh.” Castiel considered for a bit. “I suppose it’s possible. I am rather preoccupied with him.”

Dean looked up, eyebrows raised as he tried to process that. “Oookay, have to admit I did not see that one coming.”

“I doubt anything will come of it,” Castiel said.

“This is too weird for me,” Dean said with a shake of his head. “Go finish your movie or whatever it was you were doing.”


	8. Sam's New Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas returns to Sam, they finish their movie, and then Sam brings Cas and the laptop to work with him to hang out.

When Cas returned, he found Sam curled up on the bed with his laptop and a notepad. “Hey! Welcome back. How’d it go?”

“Dean is well. Infuriating, but well.” Cas knew he’d gotten the order right as Sam relaxed and started clearing off the bed. “The demons are dead, the civilians were saved, and after I’d had enough of Dean’s crap and yelled at him we managed to reconcile. Started to, at least.”

“Good to hear.” Sam’s phone went off and he pulled it out. He started laughing as he put it back away. “Dean. He said to watch out for angels with crushes. I’m hoping he’s teasing me about you and not being flippant about Lucifer or Michael.”

“Most likely,” Castiel said, somewhat uncomfortable. “I’m not certain why you would have to watch out, though.”

“Because…” Sam shook his head. “Because he’s Dean and teasing me is what he does best. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Come here, we’ve got just enough time to finish Batman before I need to head to the bar.

Castiel settled on the bed near Sam as the movie started back up. “So it doesn’t bother you?”

“What?”

“The idea of me having a crush on you.”

“Should it?” Sam asked with a shrug. “Either it’s Dean being Dean, which as long as he keeps it between us I don’t give a crap what he says, or it’s true. If it’s true, that could explain some things, and I can’t imagine you would start causing problems because of it. You’re not going to demand anything of me that I’m not willing to give.”

“You seem to be unwilling to believe that you’re actually very important to me,” Castiel said.

Sam laughed. “That’s different. Trust me, I want to believe that so badly. I just can’t quite make it happen.”

Castiel relaxed then, allowing Batman and Sam’s presence to work their magic. Sam leaned over Cas’s legs to do something with the computer when the movie finished, but shot back, completely off the bed. “Cas, there’s some blood on you somewhere. Can you…” Castiel was horrified at himself as he found the drying blood that had somehow gotten under the belt of his trench coat. Once it was gone, Sam came back to the bed. “Thanks. I’m kinda hoping to be done with that smell.”

Castiel hated himself for asking, but he felt he had to. “Were you tempted at all by it?”

“Oh hell yes, but I _can’t_ lose myself to it, not again.” Sam narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Did you leave it on purpose?”

“No!” Castiel said. “How would bringing demon blood near you possibly be a good thing for anyone?”

“To test me, or to prove to me that I can say no,” Sam offered, though he looked slightly abashed.

“I wouldn’t do that to you, Sam. Dean might, but I wouldn’t.”

Sam took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry I accused you of it, I know you’re trying to help me, not set me up to fail. And this was supposed to be a day off for you to deal with getting overwhelmed, not for me to dump more crap on you.”

“It was a fair question,” Castiel said. “Dean might. Ruby probably would have done something like that. You’re a hunter, paranoia is a survival skill for you, and you got badly burned by the last person you gave that kind of trust to.”

“But I should be able to trust you, Cas,” Sam said, voice catching a little.

“And you do, for the most part. I hope that in time I can earn your full trust, but I’m not taking it personally that the thought would occur to you that I might test you,” Castiel insisted.

“Thank you.” Sam took another deep breath and looked at his phone. “I should be getting to work. You coming?”

“If you’ll protect me,” Castiel said, and it worked as Sam huffed a laugh.

“Most of them won’t be as dense as Claire, you know. But I’ll protect you.” Sam packed up his laptop and swung the bag over his shoulder. At the bar, Sam headed for a man nearly as tall as he was. “Hey, Oscar!” Oscar looked up. “Osc, this is Cas, he’s a friend of mine. His drinks are on me.”

Oscar nodded. “Good to meet a friend of Sam’s. Was beginning to wonder if he didn’t have a life before coming here.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “I’ve been here four days, including a Saturday and Sunday. What did you expect, my life story?”

“Friends, or where you came here from, or something,” Oscar said with a shrug. “Yesterday was dead and you still said about five words.”

“Friends… there’s Cas, my brother Dean, and like three other people. Don’t expect to meet Dean, we had a falling out a few weeks back and I struck out on my own. Last reasonably stable address was four years ago in Palo Alto, California. Happy?” Castiel wondered what would happen to an angel who spoke that way to their superior. Smiting was a good outcome, he decided.

Oscar just shrugged. “Sure. What can I get you, Cas?”

“I don’t care,” Castiel said truthfully. It’s not like he’d notice the taste, and he didn’t seem to be affected by alcohol. “Whatever you think is good.”

Sam got a somewhat wicked smile. “Might see if he’ll drink that vodka you got stuck with and can’t sell.”

Oscar raised an eyebrow. “Thought you said he was your friend.”

“He is,” Sam said. “He’s also not at all picky about his drinks.”

“I will try it,” Castiel decided.

“Your funeral,” Oscar said as he pulled out a glass and poured a shot. Castiel took it and drank it. “Well?”

“It is acceptable,” Castiel said. Oscar handed Cas the bottle and Sam pointed Cas to a table in the corner near the bar.

Sam set up the laptop. “Another of Dean’s favorites. One I don’t particularly enjoy but you might, I don’t know. I never could get into westerns, but Dean loves them.”

Castiel wondered if it was odd, watching movies in a bar that he could only hear because of his angelic senses. Fortunately, the only person who seemed at all interested in him was Sam, and Castiel was perfectly fine with that.

Eventually, though, one of the patrons came over. “Hey. I’m Duke. Haven’t seen you around here before.”

“I have never been here. I just dropped by to visit a friend,” Castiel said warily, hoping Duke would be more reasonable than Claire had been.

Duke smiled and sat down. “Sam, right? He may be new around here, but he’s fit right in. Friend of his is a friend of ours.” He looked at the computer, then back at Castiel. “You realize that movie’s meant for women, right?”

“No,” Cas said honestly. “My family was very strict, and I’ve only recently begun watching movies. Sam chose a few movies of different kinds so I could see what I like.”

Duke shook his head. “Thought Sam was your friend. Trust me, the only reason a guy watches a movie like that is because his girlfriend makes him.”

Castiel still didn’t understand why this particular movie was unacceptable for men, but he did know that from the part he’d watched so far, he was not enjoying it much. Before he could figure out what to say to Duke, though, Sam came over. “Hey, everything okay here, Cas?”

“Yes, Duke is not a problem,” Cas said.

“And is wondering why you’re such a terrible friend,” Duke added. “Seriously, you’re inflicting a chick flick on a dude?”

Sam punched Duke lightly in the shoulder. “Hush, you. It’s Julia Roberts, I’m told she’s a free pass.”

“And yet, I can’t help noticing this is one you chose not to watch with me,” Castiel observed.

“Damn, busted,” Sam said, but he was grinning. “If you hate it, you can skip to the next one. That is, if His Grace here finds Jurassic Park acceptably manly?”

“Hell yeah, giant lizard things eating people? That’s always good,” Duke enthused.

Sam leaned in, bracing himself on Cas’s shoulder as he changed the movie. “Have fun, guys.”

Partway through, they were approached by a dark-haired woman. “Y’all boys have everything you need over here?”

“Could use another couple shots, sweetheart,” Duke said. “Cas?”

“I need nothing.” He pointed to his still-half-full bottle of vodka.

Duke seemed to sense that Cas was uncomfortable. “Cas, this is my cousin Janet, she’s one of the two waitresses here. Janet, Sam’s friend Cas.”

“And Sam’s letting you drink that?” Janet asked in horror.

Cas looked at the bottle. “I don’t mind it,” he said.

“Your taste buds, I guess,” Janet said as she left to get Duke his drinks.

At the end of the night, Sam came to the table with a sandwich and some French fries. “Hey, Cas. Feeling better?”

“You were right, I needed this,” Castiel said. “I feel much better.”

“Still worried about me?” Sam took a big bite of sandwich as if to prove that yes, he was in fact eating like a normal person.

Cas, of course, wasn’t fooled, but he smiled anyway. “Always. I can’t watch over you all the time, and you have some very powerful enemies.”

“Well, tomorrow’s my day off, if you wanna research together just bring your books over,” Sam offered.

“Thank you,” Castiel said. “I have a couple of leads I would like to check out, but I should be able to come by after.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duke and Janet are named for cousins of mine who used to live in Anadarko. Any other resemblance between the fictional characters here and the actual people is completely unintentional.


	9. Witness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas comes back for another fight. They get caught.

Sam looked up in surprise when Castiel arrived, but he was obviously pleased. “Hey, I was just about to call you! What’s up?”

“I figured you were about due for a fight,” Cas explained.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, I could use one. I wasn’t having actual dreams last night, but I could kinda feel something poking at my mind.”

Castiel nodded. “Dean said to kick my ass.”

That kind of threw Sam. “You told Dean about this?”

“When I helped him with the demons, Tuesday, he saw my bruises and I am a terrible liar so I told him the truth.” It occurred to Cas why Sam might be upset. “I didn’t tell him about your dreams, or Lucifer.”

“Oh, good,” Sam said. “You kept your bruises? Why… oh. So you’d know when to show up.” Thankfully, Sam found it amusing.

“Also so I would know what it feels like,” Castiel said. “It’s… odd.”

“You gonna do it again?”

“Possibly. I’ll decide when I see how bad off I am after today’s fight.” Cas stripped down so that, like Sam, he was bare from the waist up.

Sam let out a low whistle. “Damn, I got you good. You sure you’re up for this? You’ve never fought injured before, I’m guessing.”

Castiel shrugged. “What I get out of this is practice in case my grace runs out. If that happens, fighting injured is something I will need to know.”

“Fair enough,” Sam said, leading the way out to the alley. They started in on each other as usual. This time, though, as Cas was staggering back from a punch that broke his nose, he bumped into someone. He turned to see a pretty woman there, staring in horror. Sam came forward as soon as he realized why Cas hadn’t come back to the fight. “Lindsey, hey, wasn’t expecting to see you back here. I didn’t know anyone but me ever came back here.”

“Which is why you picked here to… to assault this guy?” Lindsey said, voice shaking a little. “I thought one of you two was going to kill the other! Sam, what’s going on?”

Sam pushed his hair out of his face. “Lindsey, this is my friend Cas. Cas, this is Lindsey, she’s the other waitress at the bar.”

“The same Cas who was by on Tuesday?” Lindsey asked in obvious disbelief.

“How many Casses do you think I know?” Sam teased. “Cas, you did a good job impressing Duke and Janet and Oscar, everyone keeps asking when you’re coming back. Friday nights are usually one of the crazy nights at bars, so it’s probably not a good idea for you to come by tonight. Too many Claires, not enough Dukes, and I’m gonna be busy so I can’t keep an eye on you.”

Lindsey looked between them, confusion written all over her. “If you’re such good friends, why the hell are you beating the crap out of each other?”

“You were a psych major, you should know about deeply repressed violent urges that need a safe outlet,” Sam cracked. “Actually, that’s not too far from the truth. We both come from backgrounds where fighting was encouraged. I grew up sparring with my older brother and my dad. Not like this, we usually pulled our punches. But with Cas… beating the crap out of each other is a great form of stress relief for both of us. We know our limits and don’t let it get out of hand.”

“Out of hand?” Lindsey screeched. “Sam, you broke his nose!”

Cas shrugged. “I heal quickly.”

“Lindsey… look, I’m not dangerous to you or anyone at the bar. I’ll be fine to work tonight. This was Cas’s idea so I’m not going to end up in jail for assault. And I love it.” Sam gave a somewhat sheepish smile. “Everyone has a hobby, right? Mine just happens to be brawling with a friend.”

“Okay, it’s your life, who am I to judge, I’m just gonna…” She deposited her trash in the dumpster and left quickly.

Sam watched her go, and Castiel did not understand the look of satisfaction on his face. “Well, that should solve that little problem nicely. I didn’t plan it, but if Lindsey thinks I’m crazy, she’ll get over her crush pretty quickly.”

“I thought you didn’t mind people having crushes on you,” Castiel said, drawing back just a little.

Sam looked blank, and then laughed. “I said I didn’t mind _you_. I don’t understand why you would, but you’re not making up stories of who I am. You know me, you know what I’ve done. Lindsey doesn’t know any of that. If she ever did, she’d run screaming. Better to cut her off at the pass before she gets too invested in it.” He hesitated, letting his hair fall back over his face. “Besides, I might kinda have one on you.”

“Oh.” Castiel had no idea what to say to that. He tried to reconcile it with Sam’s stubborn insistence on not believing he had value to Cas, and decided he did not understand how humans thought. “What do we do now?”

“Well, for starters, we finish our fight,” Sam said, getting into position. “Then we get cleaned up, and then we have a talk. After that… well, that’s part of what the talk is for.”

Castiel nodded, and that was all the warning he got before Sam’s foot shot out. The fight lasted longer than it might have if they hadn’t taken a break in the middle, but in the end, it was Cas who yielded. “Well fought,” he said.

“You didn’t let me win?” Sam asked, trying to catch his breath.

“I wouldn’t,” Castiel said. “The breaks simply went in your favor this time.”

“Speaking of breaks, sorry about your nose,” Sam said.

Castiel still didn’t understand how humans thought. “Why? I’m not sorry about any of the things I’ve done to you.”

Sam shrugged. “This is the first one that’s been to the face, though. What did you do to me this time?”

“Nothing I need to heal, aside from disinfecting your cuts if you’d like,” Castiel said as he quickly examined Sam. “I wasn’t holding back, I just didn’t injure you beyond bruises this time.”

“Huh. You okay?” Sam asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Cas quickly examined himself. “I had already fixed the nose, and other than that, I had nothing I needed to heal either.”

“Have to say, with the fight going long I kind of expected more damage,” Sam said. “Disinfect me, and then I’ll go have a shower, and we’ll talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel kinda bad for Lindsey, but it's still better than what happened to her in canon, right?


	10. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Cas talk. Nothing is decided, because Sam has a huge issue with getting into a relationship with Castiel that he wants to resolve first.

Once Sam was out of the shower, he dressed quickly and sat cross-legged on the bed, facing Cas. “Okay, I think the best place to start… do you have a crush on me?”

It was a fair enough question. “I believe so.”

“Good,” Sam said with a hesitant smile. “Cas, I really want to see where this goes, but… I have a huge concern about it.”

Castiel closed his eyes and took a couple of breaths before he spoke. “Please tell me this has nothing to do with demon blood or the Apocalypse,” he said once he trusted himself to speak.

Sam laughed. “No, you know all that, and I’m starting to believe you when you say you care about me anyway. It’s actually not anything to do with me at all. I’m concerned about you and your developing emotions. If I’m all you have to help you understand things, then I’d be paranoid that you’re ignoring signs that something’s wrong between us because it’s awkward to bring up with me.”

“Signs like what?” Castiel asked.

“Like… say we decide to run with this, and in a month, I’m wanting more out of our relationship and you’re over your crush,” Sam said. “And the reason I picked that way is because I might well not notice your change of heart, while I’d notice if I got over my crush. You may not realize that the best thing for both of us in that situation is to end things. Sure, it’ll hurt me at the time, but it’s the kind of pain that you get over quickly. But if you string me along, eventually something will slip through and I’ll realize what’s happening, and the longer it goes, the more painful it’ll be. It’s the kind of mistake humans make all the time. You can’t ask me for advice about your relationship with me without telling me what’s wrong, and to be honest, I don’t know that I trust myself to be objective when it comes to that. For now, yes. As things evolve… I don’t know.”

“I see,” Castiel said, although he couldn’t actually envision a way that Sam could love him and he could not return it. Still, he acknowledged that this fear was a perfectly reasonable one that had nothing to do with Sam’s low self-worth. “What can we do, then? Because I, too, wish to see where this takes us.”

“Well, with the people you already know, Bobby’s probably a slightly better choice. But honestly, I don’t exactly trust Bobby or Dean to be objective either. But I’ve told you about Jo and Ellen Harvelle, right? They officially signed on to our team after that thing with War, which means that at some point, you’re gonna need to meet them. If Ellen’s willing to take you under her wing, I trust her.”

Cas nodded, so Sam pulled out his phone. “Hey, Ellen. It’s Sam. Where are you and Jo? … Really? I’m in Anadarko, I think it’s only about an hour from you, can you come by? There’s someone I want to introduce you to. … Yeah, it’s true. … No! That’s… he’s trying to get me and Dean back together, actually. He thinks we’re both idiots, even if he does understand my reasons. … Thanks, Ellen.”

“What did she ask?” Cas asked as Sam hung up.

Sam shook his head. “If it was true that Dean and I went our separate ways, and then if you were Dean’s replacement.”

Cas gave a blank stare. “As if anyone could ever replace Dean for you.”

“Exactly! And I thought Ellen knew that,” Sam said. “They’ll be here in about an hour, research or movie or is there somewhere you need to go?”

“I can stay,” Cas said. “Don’t movies usually take longer than an hour?”

“That’s what pause buttons are for,” Sam said. “Okay, I got that you didn’t like Pretty Woman. What about the others?”

“Batman was odd, but I did enjoy it. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly was extremely inaccurate if it was supposed to portray the American west at the end of the 19th century, but I kind of enjoyed it anyway. I liked Jurassic Park and Citizen Kane. The story of Dracula was fine, but I was so distracted by the incorrect lore that I couldn’t really enjoy the movie.”

Sam chuckled. “Remind me not to show you any movies about angels, unless I’m introducing you to Mystery Science Theatre. Okay.” He poked around the computer a bit. “This is Beauty and the Beast. It’s a kid’s movie based on a fairy tale, but it’s actually pretty good. If Dean asks, though, tell him we watched Jurassic Park, or he will never stop teasing me about trying to corrupt you.”


	11. Telling the Family

Movie started, Sam and Cas settled near each other to watch. An hour or so later, Sam answered his phone to direct Ellen to his apartment. “Hey, Ellen, Jo,” he said with a hug for each of them.

Ellen pulled out of the hug to glare at Sam. “You are going to explain why you and Dean lost your goddamn minds?”

“I, uh, got addicted to demon blood. I’m clean now and I want to stay that way, so at least for a while, I need to stay away from demons. Can’t ask Dean to sit out the Apocalypse, so I’m here and he’s hunting,” Sam explained.

Jo and Ellen shook their heads in unison. “Not good enough,” Jo said. “Who’s your friend?”

Sam sat back down on the bed. “Have Dean or Bobby told you anything about Castiel?”

“Bobby said something about a rebel angel who’s thrown in with Dean,” Ellen said. “I take it that’s you?”

Castiel nodded. “Yes. I am helping the Winchesters avert the Apocalypse.”

“Cas, meet Ellen Harvelle and her daughter, Jo,” Sam said. “Ellen and Bobby go way back, and she was a friend of Dad’s until he pulled his patented who-needs-friends act when her husband died while helping him on a hunt. She used to run the Roadhouse, basically a hunters’ bar, until demons burned it to the ground. Jo left to be a hunter, and when the Roadhouse burned, Ellen decided to join her on the road. Jo actually did her first hunt with me and Dean.”

“And don’t think you boys have been forgiven for that,” Ellen grumped.

“Mom!” Jo said, rolling her eyes. “Castiel, it’s great to meet you. I have to say I didn’t expect Sam to be the one introducing us, Bobby made it sound like the two of you don’t get along.”

Sam shrugged. “We didn’t, last year. We were kinda on opposite sides.”

“We were not,” Castiel said. “We both believed we were on the side of stopping the Apocalypse only to discover we had been manipulated and used by forces who wanted this. The only difference is that Zachariah tipped his hand just a bit too soon.”

“You’re an angel,” Sam said. “I was working with a demon.”

Ellen shook her head. “Castiel, when a Winchester goes stupid like this, smack ‘im upside the head.” She demonstrated on Sam. “Wish I’d gotten a chance at John after Bill died. I use it more on Dean than Sam, but Sam does have his dumbass moments.”

Sam rubbed his head. “Ellen, can we ask a huge favor?”

“You can ask,” Ellen said. “Not promising to grant it till I hear what it is.”

Sam looked to Cas, who explained. “Since I rebelled, my emotions have been much stronger and there are a lot more of them. Sam, and to a lesser extent Dean, have been trying to help me, but Sam is concerned that some things may be too awkward to bring to him and too complicated to bring to Dean.”

“Or that Dean and I would be too close to things to give proper advice,” Sam added. “I’m trying not to let my own feelings cloud my advice, but…”

Ellen blinked. “Bobby ain’t exactly stupid, but sure, I can do that. Almost like bein’ a bartender again. But I’m drawing the line at sex, that’s all you and Dean.”

“I think we can handle that,” Sam said as he cracked up. “Thanks, Ellen.”

Jo looked between Sam and Cas. “Wait a minute… things that are too awkward? Are you and Dean actually a thing now, Cas?”

“Dean? No.” Castiel was incredibly startled by that suggestion. He liked Dean, certainly, but he couldn’t imagine feeling that way about him. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, there’s the whole ‘told Heaven to shove it up their ass for Dean’ thing,” Sam said. “I can see where people might get ideas.”

“You don’t believe it, do you?” Castiel asked, suddenly worried.

He needn’t have been. “Would we be having this conversation if you did think about Dean that way? Don’t get me wrong, it wouldn’t be the first time someone got with me to try to get to Dean, but somehow I can’t believe that of you.”

“Why would anyone do that?” Castiel was now completely bewildered.

“You and _Sam_?” Jo said. “Really?”

“Because teenagers are idiots,” Sam explained to Cas. “And we’re not exactly anything yet, I didn’t want to start something when Cas’s best source of advice was Dean.”

Ellen nodded, looking somewhat thoughtful. “Well I’ll do what I can to help y’all, but you two are probably gonna have problems none of us can understand. This kind of thing common back when angels were in and out of Earth?”

“In the earliest days, it… well, no, the angel didn’t usually stick around after the Nephilim was born. An actual relationship, where both parties truly care about the other and aren’t just after something else, it’s never been common. Since the drowning of the Nephilim, the official policy has been that any dalliance with humans is forbidden, but so long as you continue to perform your duties, obey orders, and take precautions against Nephilim, it’s overlooked. Not many angels cared to risk it. It was more attractive for the humans, to the best of my knowledge no one has ever made laws against being with angels, and if an angel loves you it takes a great deal for you not to be welcomed into Heaven upon your death.” Castiel stopped and glared at Sam. “Don’t say it.”

Sam had, in fact, been about to make a joke about himself, Castiel could tell. Instead, he just ducked his head and laughed. “Kinda figure it wouldn’t work with a rebel angel anyway.”

“Dean and Bobby know about this?” Ellen asked.

“Well, no, not yet, I mean what exactly would we tell them?” Sam asked. He looked to Cas. “I got Bobby, do you think Dean would pick up if I called him?”

“He’ll pick up if I have to find him and hold the phone to his ear,” Castiel promised. “If it comes to that, it would be an opportune time to practice Ellen’s recommendation.” He looked at Sam, suddenly nervous. “Are we doing this, then?”

Sam’s face lit up in a radiant smile. “I’m in if you’re in.”

“I’m in.” If it meant he got to see Sam smile like that, there was no chance that he wouldn’t be in.

“Oh no, you two aren’t gonna get sickeningly cute now, are you?” Jo asked. Ellen admonished her. “Come on, Mom, you know what new couples are like.”

“Let them figure out what they’re gonna do on their own, and if that means we have to deal with sickeningly cute for a while, well, they’ll get over it and we’ll survive,” Ellen said firmly. “Tell me who needs something good in their lives more than the Winchesters.” Jo shrugged, letting Ellen have the point. “I’m guessin’ you haven’t eaten today, Sam. I’m buying, what do you want?”

“You don’t have to…” Sam started to protest.

Ellen raised her hand threateningly, and Sam flinched back. “No, I don’t have to, and for once Dean probably wouldn’t do a damn thing about it if I didn’t, not that I’m scared of him. But I’m gonna, so this is your chance to have a say in what you get fed. Cas, honey, do you want anything?”

“No, thank you, angels do not need to eat,” Castiel said.

Sam directed Ellen to a diner that made a decent chicken salad, and she took off. Sam pulled out his phone and called Dean, setting it to speaker so Cas could hear Dean’s reaction.

“Thought we were talking through Cas,” Dean said when he picked up. Castiel’s hands twitched in frustration. Why shouldn’t Sam attempt to change that?

“Yeah, well, I figured you’d want to hear this one from me,” Sam said. “You know how you accused Cas of having a crush on me?”

“He do something to you?” Dean said, and Cas was surprised to hear a bit of growl in his voice. While he did resent the implication that he would do anything to hurt Sam, at least without Sam’s permission, it was nice to hear Dean’s protectiveness was still present. “I mean besides kicking your ass.”

“Actually, I won the fight today,” Sam said. “Anyway, uh, Cas and I are running with it, see where it goes.”

“You kicked Sam’s ass?” Jo asked, and Castiel could see why Sam referred to her as a badass. Had he been human, he would likely be terrified of her looking at him like that.

Dean cut him off before he could explain. “Sammy, if you’re starting something with Cas, why the hell is there a girl with you?”

Jo sputtered. “A girl? Dean Winchester, don’t make me come kick _your_ ass.”

“Jo?”

“Yeah, we came by to meet Cas,” Jo said. “Happened to be nearby when Sam called to set it up.”

“That’s probably a really good idea,” Dean said. “Okay, Sammy. I know I’m your big brother and I’m supposed to be on your side, but be careful with Cas, got it?”

“I got it,” Sam said with a disbelieving shake of his head.

“Cas, you there?” Dean asked.

“I’m here.” He put aside the confusion over what Dean had told Sam to focus on whatever it was Dean needed.

“Good. Do not make me have to figure out how to beat your ass down when you don’t let me, understand?”

Castiel took a minute to think about it, but couldn’t come up with anything at all relevant. “No.”

He wondered if it was actually possible to hear Dean rolling his eyes. “Take good care of my brother and don’t break his heart.”

“Oh. I intend to.” Castiel stopped, rerunning that. “I mean, I…”

“I got it, Cas,” Dean said. “Awesome. Say hi to Ellen for me. And Sammy… let’s not let this turn into Stanford Round 2, huh?”

“Sounds good to me. Bye.” Sam hung up, still smiling. “That went a lot better than I expected. I kinda thought he’d be an ass about it.” He looked at his phone, shook his head, and called Bobby.

“Sam? You ready to get back in the game yet?” Bobby asked.

Sam laughed. “No. It’s gonna take a while to get the blood thing under control and you know it.”

“You got something to report, then, or just checkin’ in?”

“Kinda both? It’s not demonic, but it’s more than just a not dead yet call,” Sam said.

“Okay, what’s up?”

Sam looked at Jo, who shook her head in amusement. “Okay, um, Cas and I have been hanging out a lot lately, and I’m not quite sure how this happened, but we’re becoming more than friends.”

“You’re joking.”

“He is not,” Castiel said.

“Huh. Bit of a surprise, there. Try not to screw it up too bad while we still got an Apocalypse to deal with?” Bobby said.

“Yeah, thanks, Bobby, I’m glad you have so much confidence in me,” Sam said. A second later Castiel realized that it was sarcasm.

“Cas, you do know what’s happened to pretty much everyone Sam’s been with?” Bobby asked.

“I admit I have no idea about the people he dated in school or his first two years of college, but since Jess, they’ve all died. I have, too,” Castiel said. “I’m not a werewolf or a demon so he won’t have to kill me, and Azazel is dead and won’t burn me on the ceiling, not that he could have actually touched me.”

“Just something you should think about before you let this get too serious,” Bobby said. “Not sayin’ it’s Sam’s fault, but he does seem to be cursed.”

“Well, then, he needs to be with someone who’s hard to kill,” Castiel said. “What’s harder to kill than an angel?” Sam and Jo were both holding back giggles, which confused Castiel.

“You have to admit he has a point,” Sam said, giggles under control. “Come on, Bobby, you’ve accepted a lot weirder shit from me and Dean than this.”

“I know,” Bobby said. “Just don’t wanna see you hurt more, boy. Your last girl wasn’t exactly…”

Sam put a hand over his face. “Please don’t ever compare Cas to Ruby again. I never actually had any kind of feelings for Ruby, that was just… killing the pain, at first, and then we were already involved and she hadn’t hurt me yet, so I might as well keep going.”

“And this ain’t just killing the pain of being separated from Dean again?” Bobby demanded.

“No. Dean’s best friend isn’t exactly a good way to go about that, and I care too much about Cas to use him like that,” Sam said. “Besides, thanks to Cas, I know Dean’s alive and well, from all accounts doing just fine without me. That’s a lot less pain than him being in Hell because of me.”

“He ain’t ‘just fine’,” Bobby said. “He’s holdin’ it together, doin’ the job, but he ain’t fine. And one of these days he’ll let himself admit it. But it’s good to hear that this isn’t just some stupid spur of the moment what the hell why not thing.”

A lot of tension bled out of Sam then. “Thanks, Bobby. And before you ask, Dean knows about this.”

“Whose ass did he threaten to kick if you screw this up?”

“Both of us, actually,” Sam admitted.

“Huh,” Bobby said. “You know, I always expected it to be Dean.”

Cas looked at Sam who just shrugged. “Why does everyone assume that? Is it common in the human world for soldiers to engage in such things with their commanders? I give Dean the same loyalty, the same unconditional support that I once gave Anna. But a romantic relationship is really a terrible idea.”

“Well you did pull him out of Hell,” Jo said.

“And then rebel for him,” Bobby added.

“And put up with his hellspawn little brother,” Sam said. Castiel tested Ellen’s head-slapping technique. “It was a little funny.”

“Not when you’re only just starting to believe that I care about you,” Castiel said, and Sam scooted close to put an arm around the angel. “Or that you’re worth caring about.”

Jo made gagging noises. “I’m gonna hang up,” Bobby announced.


	12. Wings and Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next time Cas shows up, he and Sam go on their first date. It was not at all what Cas would have ever thought to expect.

When Jo and Ellen left, Sam had to go to work, and Cas didn’t stick around. A promising lead kept him away for a couple days, and the first time he dropped by, Sam was asleep. When he came back several hours later, Sam wrapped him up in a giant hug. “Hey. Missed you.”

“Was I expected?” Castiel hoped not. He’d hate to have forgotten Sam after Sam had finally started to believe him when he said Sam was important to him.

Sam ducked his head with a grin. “No, not really. I mean, you were busy trying to save the world, and Saturdays are a terrible time to take you to a bar if I can’t stay with you. Sunday would’ve been okay, normally, but you’d have hated it last night.” Sam stopped as something occurred to him that made him laugh. “Actually, might’ve been fun. We had a guy come in and start telling us about how alcohol is evil and God hates drunkards and everyone in that bar was going to Hell for drinking on the Sabbath.”

Castiel rolled his eyes as he did some quick math in his head. “Depending on which calendar you work from, God could have finished creating the world on any day of the week. While setting and keeping a Sabbath is recommended, even considered a good thing, there’s nothing special about Sundays.”

Sam laughed. “And I haven’t been having the dreams, so it’s not like I needed a fight and you weren’t here. I’d have called. The only reason for you to be here was to hang out with me, and I know you’re gonna say that’s a good reason right there, but that’s not what I meant. I just meant that I was happy to see you now.”

“Oh. It’s also sometimes difficult to remember time zones when I’m following leads, so if you are expecting me for something and I don’t show up, call me. I would hate to miss you because I got confused about time. I came by earlier, but you were still asleep.”

“Wonder if that was about the time I started dreaming about flying with you. Wouldn’t surprise me.”

“You’ve flown with me before. Is it really something to dream about?”

Sam laughed. “Not like that. Like… flying like a bird. You know how our art portrays angel’s wings. You had those and you were carrying me in the sky.”

Castiel shuddered. “Those wings are awful. Close your eyes.”

“Okay. Why?” Sam’s eyes closed.

Castiel’s eyes closed and he concentrated. “This is difficult, and dangerous if I overshoot my intended target. I don’t want to burn your eyes out.”

“Cas, you don’t have to…” Sam protested, but even with his eyes closed, the awe and curiosity and joy that lit up his face were unmistakable.

“Open your eyes.” Sam’s eyes opened, and the awe increased. “If you’re going to dream about my wings, I would prefer it to be these.” They weren’t the white feathery wings that made angels look like a bird-human hybrid. There were feathers, yes. Some angels’ wings appeared white, although Castiel’s were black. But the feathers were sharper, longer, thinner. And the entire wing glowed.

“Wow. Yeah. I can… wow. Can… can I touch them?”

“I don’t know.” Sam shot him a confused look. “I have no objection to you touching them. I’m just not certain you can. Or whether it’s safe for you to do so. If you wish to try, then feel free.”

“Oh. What could happen?”

“Direct contact with pure grace, even filtered as it is, can be dangerous. A truly devoted person with pure intent can do it without fear, even without a filter. There are always a chosen few who can withstand it no matter what, as Jimmy could hear my true voice without pain. But an evil person, or a person with bad intentions, could be killed.”

Sam nodded. “Or a person who means well but has done terrible things? Or who has a demon blood addiction?”

“If it weren’t for the demon blood, I wouldn’t hesitate in encouraging you to try. The demon blood is not your fault, Sam, but it is within you. You probably could do it, but the choice is yours.” If it weren’t for that fear, Castiel would have already wrapped his wings around Sam. He wished he dared to do it anyway. It wasn’t fair that Sam should be forbidden this because of something done to him as an infant.

Sam started to reach out to a wing, but changed his mind before he could actually touch it. “I don’t… I can’t. Not now.”

Castiel nodded, and his wings vanished. “Let me know when you feel ready. In the meantime, would you like to go fight?”

“Yeah, sure.”

 

Once they were healed up from the fight, Sam checked his phone. There was a message from Bobby. “There’s a ghost in Hobart, it’s about an hour from here. Bobby wants me to go check it out, and I’m off tonight and tomorrow. A ghost I should be able to handle, right? And hey, if I get hurt… Lindsey told Oscar and Janet about my hobby, so I don’t have to explain weird bruises or cuts.”

“What did they have to say about it?”

“Oscar said about as much as he always does. Janet said to tell her if you went too far, she knows a couple biker guys who could probably help me out.”

“Let’s go, then. I think it will do you a lot of good to take a hunt.”

“You’re coming with me?”

“If you don’t mind, of course. I would like to spend some more time with you. And we don’t know what will happen after Lucifer is defeated. I may well be dead, of course, but if I survive, I’m still a rebel angel. Everyone I know is a hunter, so I should probably learn.”

“Everyone you know down here has less chance than you do of making it to the other side of this. But I’d love to have you with me, so come on.”

 

The hunt was fairly straightforward. Locals were able to point them to the haunted house, and eagerly told the story of Miss Myrtle Garner, the youngest daughter of a family of wealthy farmers right before the Dust Bowl. When hard times hit, the family was able to marry off the three older girls and make them their husbands’ responsibility, but Myrtle was only fourteen. Then the family lost their land. Driven mad, Myrtle’s father shot and killed himself, his wife, and Myrtle. According to legend, if her grave was watered properly, Myrtle could rest in peace. But in a dry year, she’d rise and haunt the town. And thanks to the weird weather the last few months, the family graveyard behind the house hadn’t seen any rain since April.

Digging the grave went quickly, thanks to the dry soil. Cas took the shotgun when Myrtle showed up, disrupting the ghost to protect Sam. Sam handed him the lighter. “Want to do the honors?”

Castiel lit it up and dropped it in. “I feel bad for her. She was a child.”

“Yeah, kid ghosts are always bad. Dean and I had one once who was, like, three. That sucked. It was a week before either of us were able to face the idea of taking another hunt. We’re out here killing these things so that kids can grow up, you know? And then humans go and do things like this. At least monsters, I can understand. I don’t get how humans can kill children.”

“Evil or desperation can lead humans to do many terrible things. Even angels kill children, you know. Before this Apocalypse, the closest I came to rebellion is the slaughter of the firstborn in Egypt. I wasn’t there, but many of my garrison were. I was ordered to remain behind because Anna was afraid that if she made me come, I would choose to fall or kill myself rather than live with the senseless slaughter of the innocent.”

“Would you have?”

“I don’t know. Possibly. Working with Uriel was often uncomfortable, because when he would destroy a city, that included the innocent and the children. Babies. I grew accustomed to it, out of need. Orders were orders, and surely God’s will was just.” Castiel shook his head. “I wonder now if it truly was God’s will, or Michael. Or Raphael.” Castiel’s brow furrowed. Michael wouldn’t help him find God, but perhaps Raphael would. It was something he would have to investigate. Not with Sam, because Raphael would not hesitate to destroy Lucifer’s vessel, but he could ask Dean for help.

Once the hole was filled in, Sam stifled a yawn. “Come on, time to get back to Anadarko. Before I get too tired to drive. Unless you need to go?”

“No, not yet.”

“Good.” Sam headed for the car he was using, one that Bobby had loaned him. It was black, like the Impala, but other than that it was completely different.

 

Back in Anadarko, Sam was clearly exhausted. “I should go. You need to sleep.”

“Cas, wait, not yet.” Sam caught his hand. “Would you believe that this isn’t the weirdest first date I’ve ever had?”

“This was a date?” Castiel didn’t object, but it wasn’t exactly how he understood dates were supposed to go. He was certain that he had either badly misunderstood date protocol or he’d messed something up on this date.

Sam shrugged. “Well, it was deliberately spending time together doing something we both enjoyed, and if we call this the first date that takes the pressure off having that hanging over us. And, well, if this was a date, then I have a good reason to ask if I can kiss you now.”

“Oh. In that case, it was most certainly a date, and yes. Please.”

Sam laughed, leaning in to kiss Castiel. His lips were soft, and if all human things felt this good, Castiel no longer wondered how the Nephilim had become such a problem. “Good night, Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably no update tomorrow because of the 4th. Sorry this one's so late, I kinda had a really bad day, writing-wise.


	13. King of Deception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search for God keeps Castiel away from Sam long enough for Lucifer to get back in his head. Lucifer makes the most of the opportunity.

Going after Raphael was more dangerous than Cas had expected. After the showdown, Castiel was just about to go to Sam when he felt another angel’s presence. He was in worse shape than he thought, between the channel to Raphael and the still-healing bruises, and it was nearly two days before he was confident enough that he’d shaken his pursuer to risk going to Sam.

“Sam, I’m sorry, I ran into trouble and couldn’t risk giving you away to an angel,” Cas said the second he landed in Sam’s apartment.

Far from being pleased to see him, or even just relieved to see that he was okay, Sam looked… broken. Worse than he had when Castiel had found him on the road outside Lawton. “Lucifer was in my head the last couple of nights.”

“I’m so sorry, Sam. But…”

“I know, angel trouble, can’t give me up to them. That’s not…” Sam stopped and looked away, and his voice shook as he spoke. “Cas, can Lucifer be trusted? If he says he’s not going to lie to me… he created the demons, and demons lie.”

“Lucifer rarely lies, but the truth he tells is often so twisted and distorted that it causes even more damage. He finds it more fun that way, watching the truth destroy good things.” Castiel tried to imagine what Lucifer had done to Sam. There was quite a bit about Sam’s life that could cause him to be upset, but he didn’t know what could break him like this. “What has he told you?”

“He said…” Sam swallowed hard. “I probably don’t want to hear this. But I need to. He said that you’re just pretending all of this, waiting until the right time to hand Dean over to Michael.”

That startled Castiel. “I see. This would be one of those rare times when Lucifer is lying, then. I would not betray you or Dean.”

“You have before.” Sam’s eyes welled up with tears. “Lucifer told me a couple things… you were there for the slaughter of the firstborns. He showed me.”

It wasn't like Lucifer to tell such a lie, so Castiel was thrown completely off guard. He had no idea what to say about it. “I was not. I’d tell you to ask Anna, but…”

“You gave her up to Heaven. Tricked her into a meeting and betrayed her to Naomi’s enforcers. If you’d betray Anna like that…”

“Sam, that was during the time I’d just been under Naomi’s torture myself. Before I realized the truth, and broke free. I did many things during that short time that I wish I could take back, Anna’s betrayal among them.”

“And setting me free from my detox?” Sam asked, barely able to speak.

“Yes. Even as I opened the locks, I knew that I would regret it, but at the time, I believed it was necessary.”

“Were you going to tell me that was you?”

That surprised Castiel. “You didn’t know? Nothing but an angel could have gotten into that room, and what other angel would they send to do something to the Winchesters?”

Sam shook his head. “I didn’t know. I had no idea how I got out. At the time, I was too desperate for more blood to think about it, and afterwards… it didn’t seem to matter. I got out, I did what I did, there were more important things to worry about.”

“I’m sorry. Sam, I wish I could take it back. Or that I had told you earlier, so that Lucifer couldn’t twist it to use against you. I can’t explain the slaughter of the firstborn. I wasn’t there, I don’t know how Lucifer could have shown you that I was. Anna and the panic room, I was fresh from Naomi’s torture.” Sam looked skeptical, and Castiel wished he could make it better. His eyes went wide as he realized something. “I probably sound like Ruby, swearing she wasn’t working for Hell, that she was on your side all along.”

“Yeah, you do. And we know how that turned out. So I called Dean this morning. Told him everything about Lucifer and the dreams and why I was letting you beat me up.” The past tense hurt Castiel, making him fear that Sam no longer trusted him even with the fighting. “He said that we should pick a hemisphere, that we’re weaker when we’re together.”

“He’s wrong. You’re stronger when you’re together. If you’re still not confident in yourself, that’s one thing, but if you’re ready to go back, then Dean should stop being a jerk and let you.”

“Thanks. I’m not sure I am, but I can’t be on my own right now, and if…” Sam shook his head. “Cas, what would’ve happened if this angel had captured you? You’d have gone straight to Naomi, right? If that happened…”

“That wouldn’t happen.” Castiel rolled up the left sleeve of his trench coat and shirt, revealing a brand he’d burned into himself as soon as he’d recovered from Raphael’s smiting. “If they tried to take me, this would go off. It’s a suicide sigil, used by angels on high-risk missions where capture would be worse than death. I bore one when I went to Hell to get your brother. All it takes is a particular flare of my grace to set it off. I can’t take the risk of them taking me to Naomi, not now.”

Sam reached out and touched the brand, and for the first time, a bit of hope returned to his eyes. “You’d risk death rather than betray Dean again?”

“Or you.” Castiel narrowed his eyes in thought. “Sam, do you remember Lucifer’s exact words about my intentions?”

“No, why?”

“There’s a way… if you’re willing, I could read your memory of the dream, so to speak. The exact wording may not matter, but it may be the important difference between full truth and maliciously twisted truth.”

Sam nodded. “Do it.”

Castiel placed his fingers to Sam’s forehead. The dream sprang up around him, Lucifer taking the form of Jessica Moore to speak to Sam at first, switching to his current host at Sam’s request. “So, Castiel’s taken you under his wing, has he?”

“Castiel’s not why I’m not saying yes.”

“Oh, of course not. He’s just why you will. Maybe. Sam, I can sense your doubts. Uriel, Zachariah… you think Castiel’s not just like them? What’s more likely, an angel of the Lord falling in love with the boy with the demon blood, or a winged dickmonkey lulling you into a false sense of security while the pieces fall into place?”

Sam’s flinch physically hurt Castiel. “I trust Cas. He’s different. He actually believes in doing the right thing.”

“Oh, he does? Then why did he kill a bunch of babies for nothing more than being the first child of their mothers?”

“He didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, Sam, but he did. Look.” Lucifer pointed at the TV in the room, which flickered to life. Castiel watched in horrified shock as it played the slaughter, and sure enough, Castiel was right there in the middle of the charge. It was impossible, but it wasn’t fake. “And he certainly has no compunction about betraying someone who’s supposed to be an ally.”

“If you mean when he turned on us because of his reeducation…”

“I mean when he handed Anna to Naomi. Hey, remember when you were trying to get off the demon blood, and you were locked in the panic room? Lilith was panicking, Ruby was freaking out, how in the world were they going to get you out of there? Bobby Singer… he’s good. But he never thought to angel-proof the room, and Dean trusted Castiel. So it was easy as pie for Castiel to slip in there and let you out.” Lucifer shrugged in mock sympathy. “But, of course. You trust Castiel. It’s not like anyone’s ever earned your trust and betrayed you before. You’re a wonderful judge of character, Sam. Keep up the good work.”

The dream faded, and the tears in Sam’s eyes overflowed. “You see?”

Castiel smiled grimly. “Yes. I see. Anna and the panic room were full truth, except that he neglected to remind you that those happened while I was under Naomi and Zachariah’s influence. The slaughter of the firstborn… I can’t explain that. I honestly can’t, Sam. But he never actually said that I was planning to betray you.”

“Yes, he did.”

“No, he asked a question that played straight to your fears and lack of belief in yourself. As I said, he’s very good at manipulating the truth.”

Sam started crying harder, but he pulled Castiel into a hug. Cas reached up, holding Sam until he’d run out of tears. “I’m so sorry, Cas.”

“Don’t be. Lucifer is very, very good at what he does. Does this mean you’re choosing to trust me?”

“You have a good explanation, and between trusting you and trusting Lucifer, every instinct I have is to pick you.”

“What about the part I can’t explain?”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t know. Honestly, I think that makes you easier to trust.” He pulled back and wiped the tears from his eyes. “Want to go fight?”

“Yes. Please. I should warn you, though, I have a great deal of wrath to let out right now.” Not that hurting Sam wasn’t the point, but he’d never unleashed on Sam while pissed off before.

“Lucifer?”

“Yes.”

Sam laughed. “I trust you. Just fix me up if you break me.”


	14. Bringing About a Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel wants to tell Dean off for being an asshole to Sam at the worst possible time, but Dean isn't answering. Once Castiel tracks him down, Dean's changed his entire view of the situation.

When Sam fell asleep, Castiel stepped outside and called Dean. When Dean didn’t answer, Castiel got worried. When he tried again in a couple hours and still couldn’t get Dean to answer, he got scared. A couple hours later, a third unproductive call got Cas investigating.

He couldn’t track Dean, but he could, with some risk, tap into Angel Radio and see what they knew. What he found there angered him, though it hardly surprised him. Zachariah was using extremely pious individuals to search for Dean. They had found him at a motel. Castiel reached out for Zachariah’s grace, finding him five years into the future… and yes, there was Dean. Zachariah would know where to find Castiel, now, so when he grabbed Dean he flew them both to a small town in West Texas.

“Wha… Cas? Oh man, you have no idea how good it is to see you.” Dean threw his arms around Castiel. “Thanks for the rescue.”

“What was Zachariah doing?”

“Trying to teach me a lesson, show me what happens if I don’t say yes.” Dean grimaced. “It’s not pretty, but I think I got a better way to prevent it than by handing myself over to Michael to wear to the prom.”

“Well, that’s good news. How can I help?”

“Have you talked to Sammy recently?”

“Yes.” Castiel went wary. He knew Sam had told Dean about Lucifer and the dreams. He didn’t know if Sam had told him about the most recent one.

Dean didn’t leave him in the dark long, though. “So you’ve cleared up this bullshit with Lucifer telling Sam you’re the new Ruby?”

“You don’t believe it?” It didn’t surprise Cas, really. Dean wasn’t the type to believe anything bad about his friends until he’d been slammed in the face with direct, undeniable evidence. Castiel remember how he’d caused problems between the brothers using that to make Dean understand what Sam was doing the year before.

Dean sighed. “Look, Sam just got burned really bad by someone he trusted, and he got the full Lucifer treatment. I got it secondhand, so maybe Lucifer was more compelling than Sam, I don’t know. And then, I just got back from five years in the future. If you were gonna betray us, you wouldn’t have been at the camp with me ready to sign on to a suicide plan to take down Lucifer. Don't go twisting this into some sort of...”

“I'm not. I see. Yes. Sam and I talked, and he accepts my explanation of Lucifer’s proof.”

“Good. He’s gonna need us with him to keep telling Lucifer to fuck off. Where is he?”

Castiel wasn’t sure about telling Dean. “Why do you ask?”

“When we talked earlier, Sam said he wanted to come back, hunt with me again. Still not sure about taking him around demons, but between the two of us, maybe he’ll be able to handle it. I said no, but I’ve changed my mind. He still wants back in, I want him back in.”

Relief swelled through Cas. Having Dean and Sam back together was still an excellent idea. “As you predicted, although I don’t think this is how you expected to change your mind a few hours later.”

Dean shrugged. “Also expected it to be another month or two before he called. Not a psychic. I just know us.”

"I’ll take you back to the Impala. The angels will be watching your room, so get in and out as quickly as you can. I’ll cast a blinding cloak, but it won’t last more than about ten minutes. Head west. I’ll call with more specific directions once I’ve spoken to Sam.”

 

Sam was clearly surprised to wake up to find Castiel still there. “Hey. Have you been here all night?”

“No. I left to rescue Dean from Zachariah.”

Sam shot up quickly, reaching for his shoes. “Is he in trouble?”

“Not anymore. He asked me where to find you.” He considered Sam curiously. “Wouldn’t it be easier to put your pants on before your shoes?”

“Oh. Um. Yeah, it would.” Sam laughed at himself as he kicked his shoe back off and found his pants. “So Dean’s on his way here?”

“Not exactly. He’s on his way west, but I wasn’t going to give him specifics without talking to you first. Would you prefer to meet him somewhere, or have him come here, or would you rather I told him you’re not ready to come back now that you’ve decided to trust me?”

“He’s changed his mind? He’s willing to let me come back?” The remnants of yesterday’s broken look vanished completely. “What happened? That was fast.”

“Zachariah forgot the first rule of dealing with Winchesters. I’m not entirely certain what his plan was, but whatever it was, it reminded Dean of how much you need him. It’s not going to be easy, I don’t think he’s entirely forgiven you, but I do believe the best way to prove yourself to him is to get back on the road with him and show him.”

“The first rule of dealing with Winchesters?”

Castiel smiled. “There is no bond in Heaven or Earth stronger than the bond between the Winchesters. I don’t know if Zachariah forgot that, or thought that because you two were separated that had changed, but all his machinations did was convince Dean that the two of you are, indeed, stronger together.”

“Well, it’s a start, at least. Cas, thank you. For believing in me, for not getting mad when I didn’t return the favor. I know I’ll be harder to find, moving around with Dean, but you’re still going to come fight me, aren’t you?”

“Of course. Finding the two of you when needed is why I got a cell phone. Fight, research, just spending time together, I am always happy to come see you, Sam.”

Sam came over and hugged Castiel. "You know, I don't think I'd have believed that you'd ever actually get me to believe it. Especially with Lucifer working against you. But I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got writer's block on this for a long time. Putting it out there and getting all your lovely kudos and comments helped me Kool-Aid Man through it. Thank you so much. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are the tastiest cupcakes!


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